Miscellaneous > The Sallyport

Life. (be prepared for reading)

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Sir James A:

--- Quote from: Sir Ulrich on 2012-06-22, 03:28:56 ---I am never usually a jerk to women but if I see them starting to try to manipulate or take advantage or control me something goes off in my head to say "get out of this now" and I leave them.

--- End quote ---

If that's what you mean by "unchivalrous", then IMO, it's just common sense. Being chivalrous would mean treating them with respect and kindness until they show reason or act in a manner with which to stop doing so. And in that case, leaving before things get worse is the proper thing to do. I would not call that unchivalrous at all. And you've touched on something very important and very good to know at your age - *learn* from the mistakes of the past, but *don't* hold offenses of previous relationships against the current one.

I think as you get a bit older, and you're able to visit other places and meet older and/or more mature people, you'll find someone more to your liking than the current "options". If you're finding like-minded people at faire or conventions, make that initial contact there, and then do something outside of faire. It doesn't have to be the only time you can hang out and socialize - men or women.

I got married 2 years ago, after dating for ~10 years; if I look back 15 years before that, I pictured myself with a Japanese woman, with long dark hair, who was into martial arts, computers and video games. I went through a long-term relationship, got engaged ... and things went to hell in a handbasket after that, and we broke up. And yet, I'm now quite happily married to a hispanic woman, who never took martial arts, doesn't do anything with computers beyond facebook and email, and doesn't play video games. Don't lock yourself into looking for a specific pre-selected race or hobby - if your core values are mutually compatible, it'll take you much farther than having different core values but belonging to some arbitrary group or hobby.

Sir Edward:

It's funny how that works. A lot of the time, your preconceived notions of what is the right kind of woman for you may be completely wrong. It may be heavily influenced by your interests of the day, or what Hollywood trains you to think is "normal".

In my case, some of my assumptions were right. I knew it was unrealistic to hold out for a gamer-girl. But I pictured myself with a musician, school-teacher, or librarian. Not sure why. But my wife, when I first met her, was a music teacher who was stuck with teaching library. :)  That was just all coincidence.

I had a horrendously hard time meeting girls when I was younger, especially since most of my interests were more solitary and intellectual (programming, computer games, etc). I decided to start hanging out at the renfaires more, since that was the one interest I had that was more social, and it completely worked.

The trick is to socialize with a lot of people, men and women alike, and broaden your social circle. You'll meet more women through other friends.

But a point I wanted to make is there doesn't have to be a 100% overlap in interests. I think it's ideal to have a couple of things in common that you can do together, and a lot of other things you do independently. I'll give you an example. Let's say you're a computer engineer, but you meet a girl who is twice as smart at that subject as you are. It's only natural to feel you're living in a shadow.

By having different fields of interest, but a shared hobby, it lets you connect, but also maintain independent identity and not feel pressure to do everything together all of the time.

In my case, my wife and I both really like the renfaires, medieval stuff in general, watch a few of the same TV shows, and can go do other things together like visiting wineries and so on. But when I play computer games, she reads books. As participants at VARF, she's on cast, and now I'm sword-fighting there. I do historical swordsmanship, she likes period music and dancing.

I think as with anything in life, it's all about striking the right balance. And it takes time to find that, so when things don't work out immediately, please try not to get too discouraged.

Sir William:
At first, I wanted to say 'get offline and meet some women face to face' but the internet isn't the beast it used to be just ten to fifteen years ago, when I was using the internet to increase the selection of available women, a lot of them were lying about themselves.  Even then, people were less sure about meeting IRL, there was more of a fantasy element to it.  Like role playing.  Nowadays, anyone actively doing so will be outright ridiculed in the community, and rightly so- there's no place for that among mature people.  Still, there is something to be said about meeting someone face to face, in what I hesitate to call 'the old fashioned way', but I guess it is since people don't seem to do it as much anymore.  For all the online hunting I've done, I met my wife the old fashioned way...but of course, your mileage may vary.  ;)

Sir Edward's spot on...100% compatibility isn't something you should shoot for, in fact, if you're too alike you might aggravate one another and that's never good.  Find some common ground, but have outside interests- it is always good to have something that you can share, but equally as good to have some things to yourself.

As with Sir Edward, my wife and I have many common interests, but also divergent ones; my wife loves to attend the Ren Faires, she indulges me with the plethora of armor and weapons that're constantly coming in and going out of the house, we have the same tastes with regard to cuisine/dining and extracurricular activities and some tv shows, but she also likes to hang out with her girls, go shopping, cruise with the top down, spend time with her family- all things I generally cannot stand, but will humor her as she does me.  Usually when she's doing those things, I'm futtering with a bit of armor, or checking blades for nicks and rust, playing video games (a whole lot of that lol), doing auto maintenance or reading books...we have things we like to do together, but we also have things we like separately.  Whenever we've been apart doing our own little interests, I find that I'm always excited and glad to see her when we get back in one place.  We've found a happy medium...it is essential for a successful relationship.  If you make it just about you and her to the detriment of everything else- it can be unhealthy in the long run.

Leganoth:
This morning I awoke to a very strange email. My email got hacked and sent out advertisements and this is what happened.

"It seems you sent me some.. weird advertisement or whatever this is. Either way, I just hope you know you're not the only one of us who dreams about the other. I still get dreams about you. Sometimes we're back together, sometimes you're just in the background & other times I wake up thinking nothing happened & we're still together. Dreams do that.. Then reality kicks in & I know better. Anyways... I've really, really been needing to get this off my chest.. I'm sorry for what has happened & how it happened. Don't you think it didn't affect me or make me feel terrible. Because it did. But I just wanted to let you know that...
> >& I hope you're doing well & I just really needed to say I'm sorry for everything."

Thats an email i got from my ex that cheated on me back very early this year. Im glad she feels terrible, she should. This was a very satisfying email to read. To be honest, i threw my arms in the air and yelled YES!!

Sir William:
LOL

Now, now...you shouldn't celebrate too much at someone else's heartache...but I totally understand.  ;)

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