Miscellaneous > The Sallyport
Life. (be prepared for reading)
SirNathanQ:
See about seeking someone IRL. Go to renn faires in armour, go places, meet with people, ect. You'd be surprised how much more satisfying a real life relationship is then talking through facebook chat.
Also, don't demand loyalty from someone. Demanding loyalty is one of the surest ways to not receive it.
Also, we've all been screwed over at some point by a girl in a relationship. It happens. Don't get the idea that you need to make all women pay for the sins of a few. Not all women are like that, and trust me, the ones that aren't HATE that type of behavior (just like how we hate the behavior of guys who cheat on or abuse women).
Sir Edward:
The thing with loyalty is that it has to be earned. Girls have no reason to be loyal to you if you haven't been committed to each other already, and even then you have no "right" to her loyalty. It has to be freely given, or it means nothing. By demanding it, you set yourself up for failure.
Sir James A:
--- Quote from: Sir Edward on 2012-06-16, 18:01:53 ---
The thing with loyalty is that it has to be earned. Girls have no reason to be loyal to you if you haven't been committed to each other already, and even then you have no "right" to her loyalty. It has to be freely given, or it means nothing. By demanding it, you set yourself up for failure.
--- End quote ---
Exactly!
Acting unchivalrous towards women from the beginning is a rather sure way to end up with a world of troubles. Regarding the one you were talking to, if you can't trust her, walk away. And if she's depressed and wanting to cut herself, honestly, she sounds like a train wreck and I can't see any possible way things would work. However, if she truly didn't know you were asking her out, then you're probably being too passive or too mysterious - spell it out. "Would you like to go on a date on Feb 14th?". That's all it takes. There's no reason you should have trust issues that early unless something is wrong - but with all due respect, it sounds like you're setting yourself up for failure every time, from multiple angles.
As Sir Nathan said, get out there and actually meet someone in the "real world". Internet relationships won't help, and in most cases, considerably hinder the ability to have a normal and functional relationship in real life when the opportunity comes. Being a "wencher" is one of the top ways to never have a good relationship, and have more drama in your life (and STDs) than a 90s soap opera.
Just some friendly advice from someone who has been through rocky relationship roads before finding happiness....
Sir William:
--- Quote from: Sir Ulrich on 2012-06-16, 01:40:17 --- I am not exactly chivalrous towards women either being taken advantage of in the past (with a girl who strung me along) and manipulated I adopt a "I couldnt care less" attitude and basically am an online wencher, i'd prolly be an IRL wencher too if I knew women in person. Thats just how most of youth work these days especially if you're non religious like me and only seek out non religious women.
--- End quote ---
Let us focus on that first sentence. Unless you've missed everything we have all suggested to Leganoth then you must know that being chivalrous toward women isn't a minor suggestion, but a path to a successful relationship. A woman likes to be made much of, especially if it is deserved, or even if they just think it is- as nervous and unsure as you may be when first speaking to a woman, so it is for her as well. They can be, at times, inscrutable creatures, but as men, so can we be. That first impression will stay with them, so it behooves you to rise to the occasion- or not.
When you are walking, riding or driving...which direction do you normally look? Ahead of you, or behind? It is much the same way with life...spend too much time looking behind you and you will miss what's going on in front of you- like meeting that One I spoke of earlier. You can't possibly meet her if you're still immured in the past, sulking over previous slights, real or imagined, can you? No, you can't. Or rather, you may meet her, but being so caught up in what others have done to you in the past, you'll not even realize what you just missed until its too late. You want to talk about being depressed? That'll do it.
It is your life to do with it as you will, but realize this- should you ultimately fail at relationships, which you will- especially if you hold all women in contempt for the actions of a few, you will have no one to blame but yourself. How you react to a given situation is yours, and yours alone to dictate. You cannot lay blame on another for how you react to a given situation. "She" can't make you angry or sad, you allow her actions to evoke such within you. You control yourself, your actions if not your emotions...be the master of your domain. The alternative is lonely, depressing and nothing worth spending a lot of time thinking about.
They have as much to lose as you do, and quite likely have issues with what's happened to them in the past...do you think it wise, or fair that they should saddle you with the transgressions of the ones who came before you? I should think not. Same goes for you. Think on it, young man.
Sir Ulrich:
Well my main issue is a lot of women these days (especially where I live) take advantage of "nice guys" and then end up dating the "jerks" and then being outright hurt and rejected the "nice guys" become jerks and it makes the cycle repeats. I am never usually a jerk to women but if I see them starting to try to manipulate or take advantage or control me something goes off in my head to say "get out of this now" and I leave them. I dont want to repeat the same mistake twice and go through the pain of it yet again. Last thing I want is to end up pathetically attached to someone who is only going to use me which happened YEARS ago but it was the worst pain I ever experienced in my lifetime. I do know not all women do that but my luck seems to be bad, maybe it's just that I talk to the wrong people. Though to be honest I would absolutely love to have someone I could keep close it seems in this day and age every relationship is disposable especially for people my own age and "social group". So basically what I have been seeking is what I cannot get so in turn I adapted by being like everyone else and just having fun.
I usually try to look forward in life, several years ago I was a different person than I am now and I basically totally outright changed myself on purpose so I would no longer be "stuck in the past. I actually have a friend who is STUCK on beating himself up over his past mistakes and he's depressed every single day and does nothing but complain about his mistakes on a DAILY basis and does nothing to change things. I took that as my key to stop harping on the past but I do try to learn from my mistakes as thats something I usually have trouble with at some issues.
I am currently trying to put it behind us and that those issues were bad but she's at least came back to talking to me feeling terrible for what happened. I still care about her despite what happened as I always expect the worst to avoid disappointment. I dunno about anyone here but I only date online cause finding people of the subcultures I am a part of is a relative impossibility at the moment due to my geographic location. I only ever meet like-minded people at conventions or faires and rarely in the outside world. Also women are a relative rarity in the subcultures I am a part of and if I wasn't part of these subcultures finding a girl would be 100% easier. I don't want a "normal" girl they just dont appeal to me much.
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