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A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.

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Sir Omera:
Last night was a mission.

My disgusting human filth brute pig of a roomate got me some mushrooms last night- I had a handful of my money's worth and everybody else could only afford baby nibbles. My roomate was trying to get my friend Paige drunk so his stupid obsessed and psychotic friend can f**k her intoxicated, and expecting me to be unaware and in nowhere land tripping on mushrooms while it happened.

I never did mushrooms in my life. Neither did any of us, but very quickly, I applied the guillotine to the situation.

I'm not an evil person. I don't want to be anymore. Last night was a test of my heart- and I passed. The end of my fermentation did see the peacock's tail, and it may have been the bright, multitude of colors displayed by the many options of a new journey in the backdrop of The Fool. My roomate the whole time was a dark reflection of juggernaut domineering aggression I wish I could be, but in the end a paladin like zeal to protect two intensely tripping girls (and sit, and manage, and keep track of everything they were doing, reminding my friend Paige to keep my pepper spray on her, etc) is all that mattered to me, and no rape was going to be allowed to happen. I got her in safe hands after some sh** started when my roomate said a guy paige wanted over couldn't come over. I told him he had no say, and when 4 of us returned from getting him, he didn't say a word as to the situation of letting people in and played dumb.

He tried to exploit my trip, thinking I couldn't handle, thinking that because of my small size I was a lightweight, and fate gave the the willpower to bring the alchemical death guillotine to the situation, after all the rot and spiritual death of the soul from two months of living under fear and madness.

If I'm correct, when people were argueing about the guy coming over, Paige in her trip reportedly felt my rage seethe off, and she knew I was going to get fucking serious if things needed to get out of hand. Perhaps this is the 'heat added to the solution of fermentation' which speeds the process.


My view is changed. That night I left the apartment and today I'm declared moved out. My roomate has no money to pay rent and I'm just waiting for his eviction before coming back in. Electricity is turning off today too.

He's going to ferment in the pit he built for himself.

I would tolerate no rape, no abuse, on these two women I had a duty for. If things would've broke out, I would've brought down in cleaves my Sabre (the name of my pepper spray brand). Last night my heart was challenged, and I passed. I'm not in the pit of Evil or Left Hand Path anymore and at this point, I'm differentiating between options.

The two remaining books when I came home to the family that I saw in the closet were on runes. When I started pondering and flipping through him I felt as if an invisible hand had touched my head at the top. And maybe this was the answer, because I've always pondered the runes but avoided their pagan-ness. Later, I sat in the one peculiar place in the house- where my bed had once been, a very comfortable cotton cushion armed chair (floor level, it looked like it was made for meditation), I knew what had to be done for a little as my trip faded, and saw in the shadows of my old ritual room in the night- a glance of purple hooded figures standing in a circle, and looking back at me. They seemed as if they 'were just letting me know they were there'. (purple is a theme of synchronocities by the way lately).


I realized that, the trip revealed to me what tarot said it would- the World, the end of an unnecessary worldview. And than the Fool inevitably happened next as I saw the peacock's tail.


As a side note, my trip seemed to be themed heavily around the ideal of the Shekinah in hebrew qaballah and lots of fertility and Earth goddess visions and thoughts came to me and paige during the journey. The girls were in virgin mindstates at the time, so again we have another goddess theme.

Sir James A:
Not to be a dick, but, well, I'm going to be, because I spent the time to read this all and I see multiple issues.

You should not have been messing with mushrooms.

You should not have had your female friend come over if you knew there was intent to commit any sexual acts against her will, or while she is in an altered state.

Shame on her for putting herself in that situation as well.

The offensive language in your post is also unnecessary.

Keep messing in things you should not be, with people you should distance yourself from, and you'll find this to be a common occurrence. That is not the actions of a chivalrous person.

Sir Edward:

Sir James raises some good points.

However I will also say, if I read it correctly, you are doing a good thing by moving out, removing yourself from the influence of those people. Sometimes the best way to defeat evil is to simply not participate in it. And kudos for making the decision to not let it happen under your "watch".

Sir Omera:
If it wasn't for the mushrooms and the sheer emotional reception, and the fact that righteous fury had a meaning at that time (when my anger seethed I kept myself calm, which most people would  do very poorly under the influence of psychedelics- I made myself a fiery wall of a bulwark and they knew that it'd be a bad idea to press the situation further when I had pepper spray on me (the holy mace)- and shame on you, who says that this 'holy grail' which helped me find the light- is of any injustice in this, and shame on you for assuming I knew they would try to do that. If it wasn't for this 'oh so horrible and evil drug' I would cling to evil just as strongly as every night previously for the past 3 years. It was THIS on top of real world action which made me rethink everything, and it was a necessary 'death' on both my mind and body which I went through for about two months (a slow progression into obsession with evil and madness, the desire to be destructive for its own sake, and in the end I had to burn myself out- but seeing the dark for so long- years- has given me an experience  to integrate, and a rage that can be channeled for greater purposes. I'm seldom angry, but I learn to separate the emotional fuel of hatred from the lack of control of anger.

When you heat dark, cold iron, it becomes tempered steel and shiney.

I knew that alchemical fermentation was happening based on numerous dreams of death (one where my face itself was a skull protruding from my normal face), numerous external occurrences, an inner screaming mental hell on top of what felt like my health could've been failing when limbs felt weak (by willpower- I was less willing to move them than I was able to move them in states of depression) and random bone pains began to occur. And when the night of decision happened, all my malice had suddenly grown into an ability and a restoration of my own compassion, the compassion of self sacrifice, where I left even my apartment and belonging except this laptop.

I still feel mental clarity today, and the first 2 days after the trip were very insightful and they still are. I've adopted the norse runes but will using their primordial esotericism in the context of something more along the lines of monotheism and probably integrating the tree of life, since the energies of the runes don't need to tie to gods.

Big changes and shocks of morality were necessary because at this point in my life, I thought and clung to evil as hard as:
1. If god exists he doesn't care, he's unbiased.
2. Humans are just rotting filth, their lives mean little and their freedom even less, and their enslavement by political corruption would please me.

My philosophy WAS evil, and injustice. It was purposely aligned to be everything which 'spirituality' as the common man knows it is not- not traditional indulgent Laveyan Satanism- evil for its own sake. And it took changes in mind, body, and action in the world together  to bring me back from this.

Edit: If these two people in my house weren't a roomate situation, if they never moved in, they would still try what they attempted on her elsewhere, and because of my intervention she knows exactly how they are and can't fall into their traps.

SirNathanQ:
Look, I for one am glad you stopped them, and helped her out, and you are doing the right thing to distance yourself from them.

You don't need to (or are in any position to) cast shame upon Sir James. He is a honorable and good knight, whom I am proud to know. If you wish to follow the path of chivalry, you would be hard-pressed to find a better example in this day and age.

The issue he's pointing out is that a knight wouldn't need any psychedelics to feel a righteous anger towards something as awful as rape. And to be fair, reading your post I got the impression you knew about it ahead of time too, and really, the language is not needed.

Anyway, in saying so, one must remember that no one was born a knight. Knighthood is earned, by walking the long, hard path of chivalry. Omera, make this the first step on your path of chivalry. Renounce the evil that was, and stay away from it. Use that past as an example of what not to do. Such beliefs and feelings that you once had are a polar opposite to Chivalry. Take these new feelings you have and develop them. Use them to spite the evil that once was, and use them and yourself to fight evil that is. Continue stepping down the path of Chivalry.

Of course on any religious grounds, I'm going to advocate Catholicism/Christianity, because that's what I believe in and thus think is right. Just remember, with whatever creed you follow, that goodness is strong. Very strong. Much stronger than evil. God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and much stronger than anything that could possibly exist. I think you understand now, or will understand, that goodness is the true path of strength.

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