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Author Topic: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.  (Read 3831 times)

Sir Omera

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Last night was a mission.

My disgusting human filth brute pig of a roomate got me some mushrooms last night- I had a handful of my money's worth and everybody else could only afford baby nibbles. My roomate was trying to get my friend Paige drunk so his stupid obsessed and psychotic friend can f**k her intoxicated, and expecting me to be unaware and in nowhere land tripping on mushrooms while it happened.

I never did mushrooms in my life. Neither did any of us, but very quickly, I applied the guillotine to the situation.

I'm not an evil person. I don't want to be anymore. Last night was a test of my heart- and I passed. The end of my fermentation did see the peacock's tail, and it may have been the bright, multitude of colors displayed by the many options of a new journey in the backdrop of The Fool. My roomate the whole time was a dark reflection of juggernaut domineering aggression I wish I could be, but in the end a paladin like zeal to protect two intensely tripping girls (and sit, and manage, and keep track of everything they were doing, reminding my friend Paige to keep my pepper spray on her, etc) is all that mattered to me, and no rape was going to be allowed to happen. I got her in safe hands after some sh** started when my roomate said a guy paige wanted over couldn't come over. I told him he had no say, and when 4 of us returned from getting him, he didn't say a word as to the situation of letting people in and played dumb.

He tried to exploit my trip, thinking I couldn't handle, thinking that because of my small size I was a lightweight, and fate gave the the willpower to bring the alchemical death guillotine to the situation, after all the rot and spiritual death of the soul from two months of living under fear and madness.

If I'm correct, when people were argueing about the guy coming over, Paige in her trip reportedly felt my rage seethe off, and she knew I was going to get fucking serious if things needed to get out of hand. Perhaps this is the 'heat added to the solution of fermentation' which speeds the process.


My view is changed. That night I left the apartment and today I'm declared moved out. My roomate has no money to pay rent and I'm just waiting for his eviction before coming back in. Electricity is turning off today too.

He's going to ferment in the pit he built for himself.

I would tolerate no rape, no abuse, on these two women I had a duty for. If things would've broke out, I would've brought down in cleaves my Sabre (the name of my pepper spray brand). Last night my heart was challenged, and I passed. I'm not in the pit of Evil or Left Hand Path anymore and at this point, I'm differentiating between options.

The two remaining books when I came home to the family that I saw in the closet were on runes. When I started pondering and flipping through him I felt as if an invisible hand had touched my head at the top. And maybe this was the answer, because I've always pondered the runes but avoided their pagan-ness. Later, I sat in the one peculiar place in the house- where my bed had once been, a very comfortable cotton cushion armed chair (floor level, it looked like it was made for meditation), I knew what had to be done for a little as my trip faded, and saw in the shadows of my old ritual room in the night- a glance of purple hooded figures standing in a circle, and looking back at me. They seemed as if they 'were just letting me know they were there'. (purple is a theme of synchronocities by the way lately).


I realized that, the trip revealed to me what tarot said it would- the World, the end of an unnecessary worldview. And than the Fool inevitably happened next as I saw the peacock's tail.


As a side note, my trip seemed to be themed heavily around the ideal of the Shekinah in hebrew qaballah and lots of fertility and Earth goddess visions and thoughts came to me and paige during the journey. The girls were in virgin mindstates at the time, so again we have another goddess theme.

Sir James A

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #1 on: 2013-04-26, 17:04:47 »
Not to be a dick, but, well, I'm going to be, because I spent the time to read this all and I see multiple issues.

You should not have been messing with mushrooms.

You should not have had your female friend come over if you knew there was intent to commit any sexual acts against her will, or while she is in an altered state.

Shame on her for putting herself in that situation as well.

The offensive language in your post is also unnecessary.

Keep messing in things you should not be, with people you should distance yourself from, and you'll find this to be a common occurrence. That is not the actions of a chivalrous person.
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Sir Edward

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #2 on: 2013-04-26, 18:03:24 »

Sir James raises some good points.

However I will also say, if I read it correctly, you are doing a good thing by moving out, removing yourself from the influence of those people. Sometimes the best way to defeat evil is to simply not participate in it. And kudos for making the decision to not let it happen under your "watch".
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Sir Omera

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #3 on: 2013-04-26, 21:35:08 »
If it wasn't for the mushrooms and the sheer emotional reception, and the fact that righteous fury had a meaning at that time (when my anger seethed I kept myself calm, which most people would  do very poorly under the influence of psychedelics- I made myself a fiery wall of a bulwark and they knew that it'd be a bad idea to press the situation further when I had pepper spray on me (the holy mace)- and shame on you, who says that this 'holy grail' which helped me find the light- is of any injustice in this, and shame on you for assuming I knew they would try to do that. If it wasn't for this 'oh so horrible and evil drug' I would cling to evil just as strongly as every night previously for the past 3 years. It was THIS on top of real world action which made me rethink everything, and it was a necessary 'death' on both my mind and body which I went through for about two months (a slow progression into obsession with evil and madness, the desire to be destructive for its own sake, and in the end I had to burn myself out- but seeing the dark for so long- years- has given me an experience  to integrate, and a rage that can be channeled for greater purposes. I'm seldom angry, but I learn to separate the emotional fuel of hatred from the lack of control of anger.

When you heat dark, cold iron, it becomes tempered steel and shiney.

I knew that alchemical fermentation was happening based on numerous dreams of death (one where my face itself was a skull protruding from my normal face), numerous external occurrences, an inner screaming mental hell on top of what felt like my health could've been failing when limbs felt weak (by willpower- I was less willing to move them than I was able to move them in states of depression) and random bone pains began to occur. And when the night of decision happened, all my malice had suddenly grown into an ability and a restoration of my own compassion, the compassion of self sacrifice, where I left even my apartment and belonging except this laptop.

I still feel mental clarity today, and the first 2 days after the trip were very insightful and they still are. I've adopted the norse runes but will using their primordial esotericism in the context of something more along the lines of monotheism and probably integrating the tree of life, since the energies of the runes don't need to tie to gods.

Big changes and shocks of morality were necessary because at this point in my life, I thought and clung to evil as hard as:
1. If god exists he doesn't care, he's unbiased.
2. Humans are just rotting filth, their lives mean little and their freedom even less, and their enslavement by political corruption would please me.

My philosophy WAS evil, and injustice. It was purposely aligned to be everything which 'spirituality' as the common man knows it is not- not traditional indulgent Laveyan Satanism- evil for its own sake. And it took changes in mind, body, and action in the world together  to bring me back from this.

Edit: If these two people in my house weren't a roomate situation, if they never moved in, they would still try what they attempted on her elsewhere, and because of my intervention she knows exactly how they are and can't fall into their traps.

« Last Edit: 2013-04-26, 21:36:58 by Sir Omera »

SirNathanQ

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #4 on: 2013-04-27, 15:48:30 »
Look, I for one am glad you stopped them, and helped her out, and you are doing the right thing to distance yourself from them.

You don't need to (or are in any position to) cast shame upon Sir James. He is a honorable and good knight, whom I am proud to know. If you wish to follow the path of chivalry, you would be hard-pressed to find a better example in this day and age.

The issue he's pointing out is that a knight wouldn't need any psychedelics to feel a righteous anger towards something as awful as rape. And to be fair, reading your post I got the impression you knew about it ahead of time too, and really, the language is not needed.

Anyway, in saying so, one must remember that no one was born a knight. Knighthood is earned, by walking the long, hard path of chivalry. Omera, make this the first step on your path of chivalry. Renounce the evil that was, and stay away from it. Use that past as an example of what not to do. Such beliefs and feelings that you once had are a polar opposite to Chivalry. Take these new feelings you have and develop them. Use them to spite the evil that once was, and use them and yourself to fight evil that is. Continue stepping down the path of Chivalry.

Of course on any religious grounds, I'm going to advocate Catholicism/Christianity, because that's what I believe in and thus think is right. Just remember, with whatever creed you follow, that goodness is strong. Very strong. Much stronger than evil. God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and much stronger than anything that could possibly exist. I think you understand now, or will understand, that goodness is the true path of strength.
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Sir Brian

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #5 on: 2013-04-27, 19:38:31 »
So you experimented with some shrooms huh? – They were just ok in my day, I preferred Acid to shrooms though since it was a far more intense trip and definitely not recommended when you are already operating under sleep deprivation conditions.

I commend you for standing vigil over your friends. Perhaps if there is a next time you will take it a step further and prevent them from even getting into such a situation, yet we are all ultimately responsible for our own actions.

You are obviously on a journey Sir Omera and have selected a most arduous and unpleasant path to travel, just beware the pitfalls of drugs and alcohol that particular path is wrought with. It is good that you have recognized the test of your steel and even better that it has not been found wanting. Tomorrow is another day and with it is another test, as will be the day after that and so on. Remember everyone falls or gets knocked down yet not all can or will get back up and the things you use or abuse to get you through it may become the beast you must defeat tomorrow and ultimately you will discover that drugs or alcohol really only amplifies what is already there inside of the user.
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Sir William

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #6 on: 2013-04-29, 17:10:59 »
I wasn't sure if you were serious at first...this read more like a D&D meets TRW (The Real World) mash-up.  With that said, I think most of the concerns I had in reading this have already been addressed by my more upright brethren knights- that is, nothing more need be said on the matter.

However, as one who is well acquainted with the fight for victim's rights in matters of rape and sexual assault I can tell you that you were not as chivalrous as you thought if you allowed those girls to remain in a setting for which they were in danger and you were aware of that danger while they were not...who is to say your pepper spray would've been enough to defend them?  Especially against those who are under the influence of psychotropic drugs, or anything other than their rational minds; I've seen instances where even a taser isn't enough and a real gun with real bullets was the only solution.  I liken your actions to using them as bait to test yourself- nothing to do with chivalry and everything to do with your path to self-discovery, which is something you should try to come to grips with on your own w/out putting anyone else into potential danger just so you can have a revelation.  Here's why I think so:

Quote
My disgusting human filth brute pig of a roomate got me some mushrooms last night- I had a handful of my money's worth and everybody else could only afford baby nibbles.  My roomate was trying to get my friend Paige drunk so his stupid obsessed and psychotic friend can f**k her intoxicated, and expecting me to be unaware and in nowhere land tripping on mushrooms while it happened.

You name him a 'filthy pig of a brute' - which he certainly sounds so, but he can't have just become that overnight, you know this man, you live with him so you must have an inkling as to what drives this man.  Knowing what you knew about him- you still went ahead with a plan to 'test your heart' as it were.  Against bad odds- should anything have happened and you were incapacitated, you might have been forced to be an unwilling spectator for what was to ensue.  That was a stupid move, you need to own it.
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Sir Omera

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #7 on: 2013-04-29, 19:20:19 »
I wasn't sure if you were serious at first...this read more like a D&D meets TRW (The Real World) mash-up.  With that said, I think most of the concerns I had in reading this have already been addressed by my more upright brethren knights- that is, nothing more need be said on the matter.

However, as one who is well acquainted with the fight for victim's rights in matters of rape and sexual assault I can tell you that you were not as chivalrous as you thought if you allowed those girls to remain in a setting for which they were in danger and you were aware of that danger while they were not...who is to say your pepper spray would've been enough to defend them?  Especially against those who are under the influence of psychotropic drugs, or anything other than their rational minds; I've seen instances where even a taser isn't enough and a real gun with real bullets was the only solution.  I liken your actions to using them as bait to test yourself- nothing to do with chivalry and everything to do with your path to self-discovery, which is something you should try to come to grips with on your own w/out putting anyone else into potential danger just so you can have a revelation.  Here's why I think so:

Quote
My disgusting human filth brute pig of a roomate got me some mushrooms last night- I had a handful of my money's worth and everybody else could only afford baby nibbles.  My roomate was trying to get my friend Paige drunk so his stupid obsessed and psychotic friend can f**k her intoxicated, and expecting me to be unaware and in nowhere land tripping on mushrooms while it happened.

You name him a 'filthy pig of a brute' - which he certainly sounds so, but he can't have just become that overnight, you know this man, you live with him so you must have an inkling as to what drives this man.  Knowing what you knew about him- you still went ahead with a plan to 'test your heart' as it were.  Against bad odds- should anything have happened and you were incapacitated, you might have been forced to be an unwilling spectator for what was to ensue.  That was a stupid move, you need to own it.

I didn't know him well before, but it was a big mistake to let him in, its handling itself. I can just get another apartment. I was trying to kick him about but I ditched it when he finally crossed the line.

Corvus

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #8 on: 2013-04-29, 20:51:10 »
Omera, it sounds to me like you are indeed on a journey toward clarity of some form. Cleaning up your own act as it were, and distancing yourself from the negative were positive things to be sure. Good for you.

Its sounds to me also, that one of the triggers to your more enlightened way of thinking was the use of mushrooms.
I am not sure which of these helpers you partook of (I will assume psilocybins rather than amanita), but of the sacred plant teachers, mushrooms when taken respectfully, are among the most potent of mentors. It is never wise to use them for mere recreational purposes as I am sure you now see.

I wish you well in your continuing journey.
“Gæð a wyrd swa hio scel.”    - Beowulf

Sir William

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #9 on: 2013-04-30, 14:53:49 »
Corvus...what?
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Corvus

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #10 on: 2013-05-01, 15:40:16 »
Sir William...

My comments to Omera were intended to be positive - in light of the fact that he seems to have decided to set his former philosophy aside in favor of a more balanced one.

In the path I walk, certain types of plants are seen as sacred teachers, not mere herbal playthings as so many might perceive them to be. Mushrooms in particular can be powerful teachers and I have known more than a few whose life has been changed through their instruction.

Did you know that there are certain groups of historians who have postulated that sacred Soma of the Vedas was actually either Marijuana or Amanita Muscaria mushroom?  Did you also know that there are folk who suggest that Amanita muscaria (fly agaric) mushroom may also have been the inspiration for the holy grail?

Plant teachers have been around far longer than humans have. They have much to teach and in any number of spiritual/cultural beliefs they still have a special place.

I do not advocate the use of entheogens or any other substances for recreational purposes - ever. That in my belief was never their intended use. Reaching for the sacred is however, another matter entirely.
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Sir William

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #11 on: 2013-05-01, 21:24:45 »
That lore such as the holy grail or the lance are just products of a drug-addled mind?  I won't say that's far-fetched...I've had some really spectacular ideas back in my hey-day when under the influence of MJ, but I can't remember what they were exactly, only that they were stupendous.  Nothing along the lines of such epics like the holy grail, the holy lance or any other holy relic purported to have some form of divine power, but I still have that feeling that they were something else.  With that said, you say this, which I find interesting:

Quote
I do not advocate the use of entheogens or any other substances for recreational purposes - ever. That in my belief was never their intended use. Reaching for the sacred is however, another matter entirely.

Unless you have a legitimate business with such substances, it is all recreational, is it not?  Anyone who gets high is essentially doing the same thing- trying to attain something that they cannot on their own, without external aid.

I have heard there are some who exert such a level of control over their physiognomy as to be able to secrete endorphins within the brain simply by concentrating?  That rush is very similar to what one feels when 'in the zone'...although I have not heard of any who experience anything approaching the vivid dreams you speak of.
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Sir Omera

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #12 on: 2013-05-01, 21:39:49 »
Fermentation in alchemy brings to mind the 'peacock's tail' that alchemists saw on their path, but its a symbol for a vision or great religious experience.

Even fanaticism and esotericism can induce things like visions.

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Re: A change of heart under the blessing of forced action.
« Reply #13 on: 2013-05-06, 18:01:54 »
Sir Omera, what you did was honorable and it gives further credence to your Quest of Chivalry, I am more than honored to know that you did a right deed in the middle of a terrible situation. 
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