Chivalry and Relationships

[Joshua Santana]

If you have notice don my facebook page, you all will notice that my relationship status changed.  You all will ask "what happened?"  Allow me to make a long story short and to the point.

It began when I found a new job at a recently opened restaurant in May (before I graduated).  Me and my partner did our best to see each other and to hang out however this was not so because I have a busy schedule as both a dishwasher and bus boy.  She never appreciated this fact. 

To add complication to the mix, she shows signs of obsession towards me and signs of anti-sociability towards other people.  She constantly complained how she couldn't hang out with anyone except me.

Further more she begged to see me or to respond to her numerous phone calls on days that I was busy helping my family and prepping for NHSC and Kean University.  She never appreciated the fact I was following my priorities and demanded me to see her for the sake of the relationship.  In fact she ordered that I need to diss my parents to spend time with her.  Saying I need to make my own decisions and to be my own individual by being rebellious.   

This was clearly a violation of what me and her agreed to and is utter disregard and disrespectful to me, to what I believe in and contempt towards my family.  Upon this ground we broke up.  I have no regrets about it.

It all boils down to this: she was asking me to choose her over family for the sake of the relationship.  I said no, I choose to stay with my family, I choose to help them.  My life does not revolve around you and how dare you ask me to do what is in-honorable to God, to my family and to my Honor as a Christian Knight in training. 

What I have gained from this relationship is a new perspective on what a relationship is not supposed to be.  It is never formed by one person who is working to help his family and another who rules by her passions/emotions and makes demands out of her partner (high maintenance individual).  Rather is should be two people who are aware of reality yet are patient to work with their different schedules and who focus on teamwork, companionship instead of ruling by their passions and give and take.  The giving and taking must be balanced and must be in line of mutual respect towards themselves and their families. 

If a relationship partner does not show respect to their families, how can they show respect to their partners? 

This is my take on the situation, it is a lesson for me and for Sirs Nathan, Ulrich in regards to what to look out.  If we are Knights in and out of the Faire, we must be Knights in our Families and in our relationships.

[Sir Edward]

It sounds like you made a good choice. One of the dangers with having that sort of obsessive behavior, combined with a limited social circle, is that if both people behave that way, you can end up in a codependent relationship. That's not healthy at all.

If she were really the right girl for you, she'd respect your job and your family, and not ask you to choose her over those things. It's OK to want time alone together, but not at the expense of important things and at the exclusion of all else.

[Sir Brian]

Well done Joshua. A lucid, decisive and mature decision. They are not always the easiest ones to make but are usually the most poignant in our lives.

[Sir Patrick]

I agree. The worst relationships of my life were the ones where I tried to make it work with someone who needed to monopolize my time and resented my family and friends as a result. You've saved yourself a lot of grief, my friend, and are wise beyond your years.

[Sir William]

I agree. The worst relationships of my life were the ones where I tried to make it work with someone who needed to monopolize my time and resented my family and friends as a result. You've saved yourself a lot of grief, my friend, and are wise beyond your years.

I've tried to do so as well, a time or two...as you discovered, Sir Joshua, what makes her tick does nothing for you and has nothing to do with you other than you being the current object of obsession.  An unhealthy state of mind, that.  Well done, Sir- and a lot of people think it hard, but once the realization is made, the emotional link is null and void, at least it was for me and the choice was simple.

[SirNathanQ]

An honorable choice Sir Joshua.  Good job knowing your priorities and making the hard decisions that had to be made.

[Joshua Santana]

My thank to you Brethren.  Here are a few thoughts I had for the last three days. 

First:  What I gained from this experience was learning what it means to be steadfast.  It is one of those virtues that underlies Honor, Courage and Moral Nobility.  Me holding on to what I believe and keeping my priorities straight and true despite this "loss" is what being steadfast is about.  It truly happens when you stand in a dilemma of making a choice to stand true to what you believe against doing something that will feel good for no, but will end up bad. 

Second:  This reveals as to why Courtly Love was invented for!  Courtship is a more reliable standard of finding the right woman for you because it looks towards the character of the individual rather than the looks.  It is all about the heart rather than the good looking eyes.

Third:  Came up with three litmus test to help determine the right lady.  First test is "is she a God fearing woman?".  Second test is "does she appreciate the Code of Chivalry?".  Third test is "Does her words match her intentions, are they congruent?"  The lady that has these qualities (and the "full green lights" from both parents) is the right one.

This is my take on this situation my Brethren.  To put it briefly,I kissed dating goodbye and I welcomed Courtship.

[Thorsteinn]

I, myself, had a rather odd relationship happenstance.

Over the weekend I was marshaling for, and chatted with, my ex-fiance's ex-husband who is getting married this year to a lady (whom I have met previously) whom is all-around a better person than our mutual Ex.

Here's the catch: Till we were tagged in a photo together I had no idea who he was. We've since chatted and he thanked me for helping get her off her butt to finalize the 2-year long divorce.
Nice guy really.

Note: I'm in the Blue hood. He is in the COP with no sleeves.




<Reverend hat on>
PS: Josh- Regarding that litmus test via a woman; Neither your god nor your parents will have to love, honor, cherish, and live with her, but you will. 2 of your top 3 things don't directly relate to you. Given as how the avatar of your god was a member of my birth religion I can tell you that a good Rabbi would not have told Yeshuvah to use those litmus test options as a method to determine a happy marriage for they lead only to you looking for a copy of yourself and not another, separate & whole, individual with their own belief's, needs, dreams, desires, and opinions who is wonderful & kind enough to take you, and all your eccentricities (and being Asperger's myself I can only imagine they are legion like mine), and love you not despite them, but because of them. Don't look for perfect. Look for a person. A wonderful, wonderful person.
<Reverend hat off>

-Thorsteinn

[Sir Edward]

Over the weekend I was marshaling for, and chatted with, my ex-fiance's ex-husband who is getting married this year to a lady (whom I have met previously) whom is all-around a better person than our mutual Ex.

Here's the catch: Till we were tagged in a photo together I had no idea who he was. We've since chatted and he thanked me for helping get her off her butt to finalize the 2-year long divorce.
Nice guy really.

Boy, you both dodged a bullet then... the same bullet.

[Joshua Santana]

<Reverend hat on>
PS: Josh- Regarding that litmus test via a woman; Neither your god nor your parents will have to love, honor, cherish, and live with her, but you will. 2 of your top 3 things don't directly relate to you. Given as how the avatar of your god was a member of my birth religion I can tell you that a good Rabbi would not have told Yeshuvah to use those litmus test options as a method to determine a happy marriage for they lead only to you looking for a copy of yourself and not another, separate & whole, individual with their own belief's, needs, dreams, desires, and opinions who is wonderful & kind enough to take you, and all your eccentricities (and being Asperger's myself I can only imagine they are legion like mine), and love you not despite them, but because of them. Don't look for perfect. Look for a person. A wonderful, wonderful person.
<Reverend hat off>

You're quite right in that regard of not looking for someone perfect but rather a wonderful woman.  The litmus tests are not per say real tests but rather what qualities do I look for in a woman. In regards to my Faith, I believe that sharing a mutual Faith is essential in any relationship (just my Chivalric interpretation).  If She doesn't know Chivalry but shares my Faith that is ok by me.

Over the weekend I was marshaling for, and chatted with, my ex-fiance's ex-husband who is getting married this year to a lady (whom I have met previously) whom is all-around a better person than our mutual Ex.

    Here's the catch: Till we were tagged in a photo together I had no idea who he was. We've since chatted and he thanked me for helping get her off her butt to finalize the 2-year long divorce.
    Nice guy really.


Boy, you both dodged a bullet then... the same bullet.

Indeed, that was a close one.