ModernChivalry.org
Miscellaneous => The Sallyport => Topic started by: Leganoth on 2012-03-29, 21:05:21
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Alright well Im posting this asking opinions, and for help.
So my girlfriend (now ex) broke up with me 2 weeks ago because her reasons were "i dont want us to treat eachother bad after a year"
Prior to this, starting in October, she started getting friendly with one of my "friends" ive known him for years, never trusted him, there was always somthing about him. They became friends, she started talking to him more than me, she would text him all day at my house, she would text him instead of me when she couldnt sleep at night. Finally I said, hey what the f**k do you like him, she says no, i knew this motherf*cker liked her by now. Skip to early december, shes still talking to him, this time, its behind my back, i walk her to the front of school once it ends, i ask if she is going to talk to him, she says no, she walks away, i secretly stalk her to find out she goes with him everyday after school, some days i would go to the library because thats where all the "cool" kids go to get picked up, i would see them talking and start yelling(?) at her for it, the guy would see me and walk away really fast because he knew i wanted to beat him up for this. December 7, she doesnt go to my birthday party, only my best friend goes, shitty birthday. Mid december its still going on, the stress is getting to me physically, she doesnt care, that day i see her and him talking and walking together, i go to the police station and ask to go to hospital because my body and head were hurting so much, they call her over, i find out she went with him to eat at some fast food place, get even more mad at that. Stayed in a hospital for 2 weeks for depression and anger. She visits me a few times, everything was great, happiest we'd been in months. But one day i let the paranoia of her and him get to me and try to look through her phone, she wont let me see it, get even more paranoid, she leaves.
She said we were 99% to get back together, the next few days i was so angry at everything. When i got out i went into homeschool (and so did she to help with that situation) i still have to see a therapist cause of all this. the relationship was still bumpy.
Heres the best part, the other day she deletes my facebook page, adds that guy and his dickhead friends again, the main guy is fliriting with her, another guy is, (remember shes doing this about a week after we breakup) she is so happy to be talking to these guys again for some reason, she knows he ruined our relationship but she still talks to him. Forgot to mention, during the times at school there were rumors of her cheating on me with him, she said it wasnt true, still says its not true. I dont believe it.
In the end, after i read the conversations she had with him, on facebook atleast, who knows what there saying on texts. In the end, i left her a nasty message on her voicemail cause she never answers my phonecalls anymore for the past few months, i left her a nasty voicemail, and told her that I cheated on HER, but I never did. I said that to get her mad, make her feel bad, as revenge, and so she would NEVER speak to me again.
Opinions on what i should do? Similiar stories?
Whenever i think of it I feel as if there was a fire building inside of me, the inside of me starts getting really warm and i get into a rage
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hmm, why do you let her keep a space in your head? You are both teenagers, YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO DATE DIFFERENT PEOPLE - Preferably a LOT of them! ;)
Five years from now you will be amazed at how much time and energy you wasted on the unworthy wench. Ten years from now you won't even be able to remember her name. Mark it down to experience and move on with your life, the best revenge is going on living your own life to the fullest and let her live hers. If you truly had any feelings for her you will be gracious, gregarious and noble of spirit towards her. - That is not only manly but knightly as well. :)
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i dont know brian, its just i think about how morally wrong it is to do that i guess
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#1) At least you didn't move from Reno, NV to Middle-Of-Nowheresville, SD (http://forums.armourarchive.org/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=129406&hilit=south+dakota) for her on a lie like I did last year.
#2) You are still in High School. Drama like this is why the rest of us are glad we are done with it.
#3) What is the knightly, chivalrous way to be? What ever that is, be that. Stand-up guys don't make snarky or vicious comments online about the ones the profesed to love who hurt them. They act cool and keep going.
It is harder to be Knightly in Loss than in Success but it is loss that defines who you are at your core not Success. Defeat is where we show our true nature.
To quote the thread I linked to:
"You don't know me, son, so let me put this to you plainly: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me. And you'll be armed."
Mal Reynolds was a Knight, he just didn't know it.
I feel like I was dating Saffron.
"No Mal, I pretty much stabbed you in the front!"
-Ivan
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I guess its just hard to be knightly in situations like this, sometimes anger gets a hold of you
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And that is why the test is so important.
Do you test a Shield by merely wearing it?
A Sword by merely polishing it?
A Helm by merely looking at it?
... Your Honor by merely talking about it?
-Ivan
Diagnosed with a MD-NOS Severe Emotional Handicap (strongest in Anger, Frustration, Hate, & Love) in 1991 and Aspergers Syndrome in 2002.
Who has also spent more than his share of time in the loony bin.
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I got issues up the yin yang with women. I am so damn picky I never dated anyone I knew IRL or bothered to even get to know any due to my long for wanting a woman who was NOT American. Mostly has to do with my attraction to European women along with my long to "not be American" and associate myself and my future kids with a culture of Europe, which is what I identify as European not American due the vast medieval history base there as well as reenacting me 100X better than it is here over there. Currently dating a girl from Germany but I'm fed up with her ignoring the crap out of me so I am ready to dump her ass. I am normally rather chivalrous but I don't waste my chivalry and love on ingrates who don't deserve it. I used to and just got used, getting burned multiple times and hurt and being the "nice guy" who gets walked all over and treated like a doormat will make you become inherently selfish angry and bitter and start to lose your morals as you gradually become a darker bitter soul like I have been becoming.
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Boy, I don't know if I'm the right one to give advice on women. I was dreadfully single all through high school and most of college.
But Sir Brian speaks great truth above. The entire culture that you're used to from High School is confined to just that place. College is different, and the outside world is different from that too. Once a few years go by, none of what is bothering you now will have any lasting impact on who you become and what you do from there.
That doesn't make it any easier, of course. What you're facing right now is your current reality. But in the grand scheme of things, it won't matter, and you'll be just like the rest of us--- glad to be done with school and away from the stupidity and drama.
Some people never grow out of it, but most do. In the meantime, try to be the person you want to be. Be knightly. Be a rock that can not be budged by these people. If someone is lying to you and mistreating you, they're not worthy of being your friend, so you can move on, and do so proudly.
Don't let other people control you. Yes, it'll make you angry, but you'll find that it's within your control to let go of it, and not let them get to you (especially because there are others out there who will be much better for you, and it's best to find out what kind of person they are sooner rather than later!)
Believe me, I've been down the "dark and bitter" path. I was the nice guy who never got noticed by girls. I got depressed. It almost ruined me.
But you know what? It's not worth it, and you have the power to be who you want to be, and not associate with people who are simply poisonous.
It takes time, but once you get past the "my wants and my needs" way of thinking, and instead look at "what can I offer", it'll get easier. Not to mention the fact that a lot of teenage girls really have their heads screwed on backwards, and don't get it straightened out until about age 20 or 25. So hold strong and be patient. As hard as that is to do.
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I am extremely blessed that I have found a honorable and noble lady that appreciates chivalry, but I do know the feeling. I myself in earlier years played the part of unnoticed nice guy. It is one of the most tragic roles ever cast in the show that is life.
I would urge you to leave her behind. Forget her. Rise above all the filth she brings into your life. The girl is causing you to compromise on your Chivalric morals and values. Just as the Bible urges one to do away with anything that is causing them to sin, a knight should do away with anything that causes him to (or makes him want to) break a tenant of Chivalry.
Will you rise above this, leave it behind and find a lady who appreciates knighthood and chivalry, and is willing to abide by it, or will you let this break your chivalry in a petty game of meanness, lies and deciet?
This is a test of your Chivalry. Can you rise to the challenge?
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Not to mention the fact that a lot of teenage girls really have their heads screwed on backwards, and don't get it straightened out until about age 20 or 25. So hold strong and be patient. As hard as that is to do.
Boy is that true. The bad thing is that, youll go out with a girl, then all of a sudden her personality will change 100% from what you met her as. But whatever then if they cant see the good in other people and want to go out with some asshole that thinks hes cool cause he smokes and drinks and dresses like a gangster when hes not then thats fine with me, that just shows me their judgment. (im basing that off what girls at my school like)
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#2) You are still in High School. Drama like this is why the rest of us are glad we are done with it.
This will be hard advice for it to sink in, but it's great advice. High school is the most important time of your life; until you're out. College is the most important time of your life; until you're out. About the only thing I look back on from my high school days that I even give two farts about is when I got into a fight defending a friend of mine; it's when I really stepped out of the shadows and into the role of "protector". Aside from that, I don't keep in touch with anyone from those days, with the exception of two people; two brothers who grew up across the street from me, and I've known them since 4th grade.
My personal opinion is to forget about her completely and move on. If I've learned anything about relationships over the years, and I feel I have learned a lot through great examples, it's that there are things that have no place in relationships: Control, Conflict, and Cheating.
If she is constantly choosing another to turn to for support and attention over you, that is her choice, and reflects upon her character; not yours. You can't force her to change, and you shouldn't try. Simply move on, and find someone better suited to a good relationship.
If you don't trust her enough to be faithful and honest, it's another sign things will only get worse. Simply move on, and find someone better suited to a good relationship.
If you've reached the level where you're having physical and/or mental issues because of her ... simply move on, and find someone better suited to a good relationship.
Based just on your post, and not knowing anyone else involved, it sounds like you need to move on and leave her behind. It also sounds like your "friend" that she has been going behind your back with is anything *but* a friend. Leave them both behind.
While the voicemail about cheating may have made you feel better, the biggest lie you can tell is when you lie to yourself. At your age, I may have done the same if I was ever in that situation. Moving forwards, try not to; when relationships don't work, it's not even worth trying to find blame; some people simply aren't compatible, even if they are both generally "good" people. You have to find your match. When you do, you'll find nothing but happiness. While you will likely travel your fair share of rough road, the difference between a good relationship and bad is that while the bad relationship will be part of the rough road in and of itself where you may see different paths, in the good relationship you will find yourself walking the bad road along with your significant other and dealing with the issues of life, drawing strength from your relationship, instead of losing your strength by dealing with the relationship.
Some girls will grow up, some won't. Some will always like the "bad boy" that smokes and drinks, and that's their prerogative. If that's the case, and that's not you, simply keep moving on until you find the girl who likes you for who you are. If there are no girls like that right now, it's an ideal time to focus on school / work and other things. It's very cliche, but the hardest time to find someone is when you are looking. If you simply go about life, you might meet someone when you least expect it; and if they're doing the same thing you are, you've already got a common interest.
The worst thing you can do is try to be someone you are not to be in a relationship with someone who likes you for being someone that you are not. Take this last experience as an opportunity to learn what to look for and what to avoid, hold your head high knowing that you are not the cause of the problems, and move on to better things and better times ... and they will come. :)
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Hopefully what your saying is true, i guess ill just have to wait it out and see what happens then
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Hopefully what your saying is true, i guess ill just have to wait it out and see what happens then
It's true based on my experiences. It might not be 100% for you, but that's how it's gone for me so far (I'm 32). My grandparents were married 50-some years before my grandfather passed away. My aunt & uncle have been married 52 years. My mom & dad have been married for 38 years. I've learned a lot from their examples.
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Sir James does indeed speak the truth, from what I've seen. It's hard to see it when you're surrounded by high-schoolers, but as time goes on, it gets easier.
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I found my GF's IRL facebook and she's been online recently on it. I am debating on confronting her by messaging her there and asking her why she hasnt been online in a whole month. It's really eating at me though, I feel like if I confront her she's gonna get mad at me for "stalking her".
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I found my GF's IRL facebook and she's been online recently on it. I am debating on confronting her by messaging her there and asking her why she hasnt been online in a whole month. It's really eating at me though, I feel like if I confront her she's gonna get mad at me for "stalking her".
Who cares if she gets mad, in my opinion shes in no position to be mad, she didnt log onto anything to chat with you when she would so i would confront her, but thats just how i am i guess
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I found my GF's IRL facebook and she's been online recently on it. I am debating on confronting her by messaging her there and asking her why she hasnt been online in a whole month. It's really eating at me though, I feel like if I confront her she's gonna get mad at me for "stalking her".
Who cares if she gets mad, in my opinion shes in no position to be mad, she didnt log onto anything to chat with you when she would so i would confront her, but thats just how i am i guess
Pardon me for injecting my thoughts on this but this exchange between you both reveals a troubling mentality that is inherent with younger generations. I am no expert in the area of love, as far as men are concerned there really are none! ;)
However I get the strong perception that both of you gentlemen seem to be under the false impression that your respective ladies "owe" you something. A relationship of true love is a give and take in equal portions. Giving freely what the other wants and needs and taking as it comes what you desire and need from the other. It is when there is a disparity of this give and take that conflict occurs in which one feels taken for granted, slighted or not given what they perceive as their just due. Yet if you could read the other's mind you might be surprised that they have been feeling the same over something you were responsible for but was oblivious to and so withheld what you wanted or needed. - Ah and I am not referring to just sex (that is a result of a more severe symptom of discontent). ;)
Understand Leganoth and Sir Ulrich that until you have won a lady's heart completely you are not owed anything from them. When you have won a lady's heart completely you are then only entitled to have first and for the most part exclusive rights to keep wooing her. A lady's love for you is not an endless supply but a source that you replenish by the love, tenderness, respect, attention, generosity and devotion you provide. You don't curse and demand water from a well in the middle of a desert after a long drought. ;)
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Well said!
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huzzah Sir Brian and all that mushy stuff heheheheh
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Very well put Sir Brian.
Seriously, the strongest material that you can build a relationship on is trust. Trust her, don't demand reasons for not going on to Facebook (C'mon guys, it's freaking FACEBOOK!!!) or not messaging and drooling over you every minute of the day. In a relationship, you are entitled to nothing. NOTHING. Give of your Honor, Love, Respect, Chivalry, and Trust to her, and ask for nothing in return. If she truly has feeling for or loves you then she will freely, and without asking give all of those back many times over.
Guys, seriously remember, it's damn Facebook. Confrontations based around something as silly as time logged on a website are just mean, petty and paranoid.
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I'm taking you guys didn't read what I said, she hasn't logged in since February and it's already April. I think confronting her over not signing in or even bothering to sign and actually talk to me is perfectly reasonable. I don't intend on being mean to her but I will let her know I am dissatisfied with this lack of contact. Sometimes people need to be nudged in the right direction honestly, it's what encourages people to change rather than just sit back and wait for her never to sign on again after accepting my valentines gift and talk about how she said she cared about me ect. Something is seriously fishy about it to me honestly.
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But Ulrich she HAS already spoken volumes by not having any contact with you. - ala the silence treatment perhaps? Seeing that she is back online has she made any contact with you? Sent any kind of message or make any kind of post? - If not that is an answer within itself and I will reiterate she does not owe you anything therefore you are not entitled to any answers as to why she has not contacted you. IF she truly cared she would have made some kind of attempt to contact you or flood you with information and explanations why she was out of contact as soon as contact was reestablished. If that didn't occur and it seems that is the case then she perhaps didn't know how or want to deal with a confrontation with you OR something has occurred in her life which has changed her priorities and she does not want to involve you, in any case that is HER choice which you should respect.
I personally would be a bit cool and aloof towards her and wait to see if she initiates contact with you. If she doesn't then you know she no longer cares, never really cared or is fickle to ninth degree in which case you can move on with a clear conscience and be thankful you don't have to waste any more time and effort upon her.
However a word of caution: If she does contact you and plays it off that you are in the wrong for not trying harder to contact her or spent your time bemoaning the loss of contact with her then you need to dump her ASAP as she is a master manipulator which is the type that can destroy some men.
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There's also something I've seen referred to as a "rubber band effect". If someone pulls away from you, imagine a rubber band connecting you. If you chase after her, the band stays slack, and she may continue to stay away. Stand firm, calmly, and the rubber band may tighten and bring her back.
If she doesn't come back, then let go. :)
Sometimes the desperate chasing of someone, or forcing a confrontation with them, is precisely what's keeping them away. Women can smell desperation on you, and they don't like it. By getting yourself all worked up, it gives her all of the power. If instead you can be cool, collected, and confident, (perhaps even aloof, depending), it will be a lot more attractive to them.
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Stayed in a hospital for 2 weeks for depression and anger.
Somehow I missed this part the first time I read it.
Depression is definitely a serious thing, one I'm well acquainted with. It will color everything, and change your perception of reality, without you being aware that it's doing so. One thing I really want to suggest is to not automatically go with your gut reaction to things, which much of the time will involve anger or sadness, or some other form of high anxiety. It'll take time to learn to think differently, but in the meantime it's best to think things through with your head, and try to be objective and see things from other people's points of view.
Depression has a way of making you selfish, inadvertently. It takes a lot of effort to see yourself through other people's eyes.
And what you often won't realize, is that a lot of the problems you see as being external (what the world is doing to you, how girls treat you, etc), often are actually coming from you. (I'm saying "you" in the general sense, as in "people with depression"). People treat you the way you expect to be treated, not how you want to be treated. If you show hints of anger and pain, even subtle ones, it will influence the way people treat you. On the other hand, if you smile and show a happy disposition all the time, people will respond to that as well.
In a way, pretending to be happy and not bothered by things is a great way to start (that whole "cool and aloof" thing). People will treat you better when you're presenting yourself more nicely to them. Over time, it'll become real.
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Very well said, Sir Brian and Sir Edward.
I found my GF's IRL facebook and she's been online recently on it. I am debating on confronting her by messaging her there and asking her why she hasnt been online in a whole month. It's really eating at me though, I feel like if I confront her she's gonna get mad at me for "stalking her".
Who cares if she gets mad, in my opinion shes in no position to be mad, she didnt log onto anything to chat with you when she would so i would confront her, but thats just how i am i guess
As I previously posted:
If she is constantly choosing another to turn to for support and attention over you, that is her choice, and reflects upon her character; not yours. You can't force her to change, and you shouldn't try. Simply move on, and find someone better suited to a good relationship.
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Stayed in a hospital for 2 weeks for depression and anger.
Somehow I missed this part the first time I read it.
Depression is definitely a serious thing, one I'm well acquainted with. It will color everything, and change your perception of reality, without you being aware that it's doing so. One thing I really want to suggest is to not automatically go with your gut reaction to things, which much of the time will involve anger or sadness, or some other form of high anxiety. It'll take time to learn to think differently, but in the meantime it's best to think things through with your head, and try to be objective and see things from other people's points of view.
Depression has a way of making you selfish, inadvertently. It takes a lot of effort to see yourself through other people's eyes.
And what you often won't realize, is that a lot of the problems you see as being external (what the world is doing to you, how girls treat you, etc), often are actually coming from you. (I'm saying "you" in the general sense, as in "people with depression"). People treat you the way you expect to be treated, not how you want to be treated. If you show hints of anger and pain, even subtle ones, it will influence the way people treat you. On the other hand, if you smile and show a happy disposition all the time, people will respond to that as well.
In a way, pretending to be happy and not bothered by things is a great way to start (that whole "cool and aloof" thing). People will treat you better when you're presenting yourself more nicely to them. Over time, it'll become real.
Yeah thats true i guess but its hard to pretend to feel somthing when your feeling the total opposite
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Yeah thats true i guess but its hard to pretend to feel somthing when your feeling the total opposite
Oh boy, don't I know it. Fighting depression is one of the hardest battles of your life, but it's worth it if you can come out the other side relatively unscathed. :)
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Yeah thats true i guess but its hard to pretend to feel somthing when your feeling the total opposite
Oh boy, don't I know it. Fighting depression is one of the hardest battles of your life, but it's worth it if you can come out the other side relatively unscathed. :)
Whatre the chances of that though haha, you could get out of it and seem fine but deep down you cant be somtimes
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Don't despair, it can be cured (mostly). I'm living proof. :)
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and when did you get over your depression and what was it for? (if i may ask)
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Don't despair, it can be cured (mostly). I'm living proof. :)
Leganoth, do not despair. No matter how deep depression strikes, one is always able to defeat it. I know what you're going through, and I know no matter how deep it gets you can always pull through. That's all I myself will say for myself. It's quite personal for me, you see.
And Sir Ulrich, Sir Brian is right on the money. One of the knightly tenants of chivalry is courtesy respect for women, even if they deserve it or not.
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and when did you get over your depression and what was it for? (if i may ask)
It's not a problem, I have no difficulty talking about it. It's an important part of what shaped me (the recovery that is), and I certainly want to share my experiences if it will help people.
Mine was a life-long thing that started as early as elementary school, but didn't really become a serious thing until high school, and continued to get worse in college. Poor self esteem, low confidence, leading to an inability to meet girls or do much outside of spending all my time on the computer.
After a few years of college, I finally got counseling and medication (the meds are not a cure, they only take the edge off while you deal with the real problem). The actual problem, for most people, is the way they think and react to things. A rare few people have a chemical imbalance, for whom the meds are a cure. But for most people, it's psychological. The problem is that once you've been feeling bad for a long time, you've trained your brain to work that way. So you have to train it to work the way you want, otherwise you're stuck in a rut. Your brain behaves like a set of muscles-- it will adapt to the way you use it.
Anyway, I was diagnosed as "mild major depression". It sounds like a contradiction. But remember, in medical terms, "mild" can mean "not currently killing you". :) I was never suicidal, and could still mostly go about may day without curling up and hiding away from the world, but it was still a form of "major depression".
Counseling and medication was about a year long for me. At that point I still had a ways to go, but got what I needed out of those things. I probably spent the next 5 years having to be conscious about my reactions and thoughts, constantly. It's hard to do that. It's like clawing your way out of a dark abyss. But it worked.
I've been depression-free for over a decade. Now granted, that doesn't mean I don't still have bad days, or can completely ignore that I once had it. But my thoughts don't automatically go down the wrong path anymore. It just requires constant vigilance until it becomes natural.
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I think that most of the struggle is not thinking about things that make you depressed or angry, you think about it and its like, no i need to stop but its hard to stop sometimes
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It is difficult but not insurmountable. Keeping a proper perspective does take practice and being honest with yourself about the blessings you do have which is what everyone should strive to remember. Just because you are not as blessed as some people, you are certainly more blessed than a majority of people on this planet. ;)
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Very well said brian
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I still remember what it was like to 'love' someone who did not love me back. Jealousy, paranoia, unreasonable anger, depression...and if they ever deign to glance in your direction its like the sun just burst over the horizon. I went through that at least a dozen times in high school- and never had a single gf until I was a senior. You see, I was but 5'2" until I grew to 5'10" in my senior year and all the girls who used to look me in the eye (or down as the case was, I did like statuesque women) could no longer do so, and they began to take me more seriously. So I had two gf's in my senior year, and ended up taking a dead ringer of my 2nd gf to the prom...she was prettier too, but I did not enjoy that evening.
Pretty much all of what you have already read from the others is tried and true wisdom...look not at our ages and scoff, because we have all been there, to varying degrees, and apparently remember quite a bit of what it was like to be young, passionate and foolish in 'love'. I put it in single quotes because I can tell you- I hadn't had a fucking clue what it really meant.
I got married early on too, when I was 20, to a 23 year old woman that I'd met thru a distant relative who she'd been dating off and on for several years. We fell hard; mostly because it was 'forbidden', you know? It was almost too easy, I should've known better you could say. It was all lust, fully charged- like lightning is attracted to a lightning rod, so we were.
I used to wonder at myself because I have always been able to 'turn it off', emotions I mean...which I now understand only meant that I wasn't truly in love. I married again, to a most wonderful woman who had the heart and decency to show me what love really meant...up until I met her, I only had what you could call a textbook understanding of the mechanics...and was totally lost as to how I would ever get to that point. I think of her all the time, wonder how she is, what can I do to make her smile, make her happy? I realize now, for me, that true love could only come when I was willing to put her before me- to consider her feelings, her thoughts before my own; I had never done that before in my entire life. Never. And yet now, it is as natural as breathing. Don't get me wrong, she's a woman so there's always going to be something that strikes you as odd, or what have you, but you'll find that it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme, because you'll find, as I did, that you're so much happier than you've ever been and you can honestly envision the two of you living your lives together, and she shares that vision wholeheartedly. I hope you find that, I hope everyone finds that for themselves one day.
I spent a lot of my adolescent and teen years wondering who I would end up with, had all these lists and dreams and the like...I remember the angst, wondering if this one or that one liked you. I never went to my junior prom because I couldn't BUY a date. Seriously. I had all these female friends who wouldn't go, because we were just friends. I later learned it would've been somewhat taboo to show up with a black guy (predominantly white school)...ah, that's life, my friend. Disappointment is part and parcel of the growing up experience...you never get used to it, you never really learn to accept it- but if you're smart, you learn to rise above and beyond it.
This ex of yours wields a certain amount of power over you that she DOES NOT DESERVE. No woman does, unless she is as much yours as you are hers...and you can only learn that over time. I don't mean to keep on about age, but by the time I hit 30, I'd been with a lot of women, of all different types, backgrounds, philosophies and races. I found distinct similarities that simply confounded me- couldn't stand some of it so when I got fed up, I'd walk. I was a serial monogamist...I'd go from one to the other once boredom set in. I kept those relationships to less than 6 months...about all the time it took for them to piss me off. I also discovered that women are women, just like men are men...the key is to find the one who is right for you, and there is one out there. You may need to be patient.
I sometimes wonder, if I'd met my current wife 20 years ago, if she would've considered me at all...I was a different person, not altogether bad, but definitely more self-centered and less amenable to the desires and needs of others, I was pretty selfish. Getting married the first time forced me to grow up because all of a sudden I had this 2 year old babygirl and a wife, and soon after, another child on the way...a lot to deal with at 20 when you're hardly an adult yourself. I've always had to do my lessons at the school of hard knocks because I rarely listened to the advice of my elders (and usually betters)- figuring with typical adolescent arrogance that I knew better than all of them. I did not. Not at all. Of course, my first marriage failed but it taught me a lot about myself, about relationships and how such things should never be taken lightly, but should not cast a dark pall over every other aspect of your life simply because it did not turn out as you wanted it to. This happens, in all aspects of life...prove yourself resilient and able to adapt and you will succeed- it is our sincere hope that you are able to get out of your funk and back into the swing of life...but only you will determine when and how that happens. Keep your head up, my young friend- your whole life is ahead of you, the choices you make will resonate throughout that life so choose wisely when you can, and it doesn't hurt to have a little faith...in yourself as well as others. Be well.
I get the heartache, I get the desire for revenge- I hope that you manage to get past this and move on because I promise you, this time next year, it'll be nothing but a distant memory- provided you're involved w/someone else. Nothing helps you get over the last girl like a new girl. Sounds crass, but it is undeniably true.
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" Nothing helps you get over the last girl like a new girl."
That is exactly true. I am trying to get a new girlfriend to help me forget, well im looking not exactly trying yet. I want revenge for myself, i couldnt give a sh** less if she says "oh patrick already has a new girlfriend, this that and the other thing" i dont care what she thinks of it or what she thinks of me anymore. I want the revenge to satisfy myself, to know that i got equal, atleast thats how i see it. The best thing i can do is, and i put this bluntly, just dont give a sh**, be happy, get a new girlfriend.
My friends advice (im not so sure if he was joking though) was "dude dont get another girlfriend, just go out and have sex, dont make love, have sex, look where making love got you" . Im not so sure about that advice lol
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Well, I didn't say 'get a gf' I said 'new girl'. Jumping straight into a relationship will result in the 'rebound'- that is, that new girl becomes the rebound- the trick is to NOT get emotionally tied up- just indulge in the physical release. It can be catharctic, especially when you realize that some of the feelings you may have had about the ex stem from the sex- it rhymes but is not meant to, nor is it a joke. Simply put, it'll help take your mind off of your current situation, even if only for a while. After a longer while, you may even laugh about it.
You will find, once you get past the internal struggle, that partners are plentiful and sometimes it isn't such a bad thing to indulge. Naturally, in this day and age, you'll need to take the necessary precautions but barring that- have fun.
The saying 'life is too short...' certainly applies here...and you're giving way too much in the way of credence to what this girl will say or think w/regard to your situation. The saying 'the best revenge is to live well...' is also very applicable here too. If you really want to hit her where it hurts, you must behave as if she never really existed- because nothing hurts more than to be considered 'not valid', if you get my meaning. A technique that I have perfected...once I would've said it was unfortunate but now I know better. It is a bit selfish but it is also expected of teenagers- in every culture and period. Your friend's advice is appropro for the situation, though you may not have liked how it sounded.
In any case...look forward, not back- plenty of time to reminisce about the good old days when you get to be my age (39)- when nostalgia tends to gloss over the bad stuff and lend a rosy tint to the good- by then, it'll be ok...its just a memory of experience, one of many.
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Yeah, his advice sounds like it's opening the door to more trouble. You want to be over your last girlfriend, before getting another one; it's not fair to bring baggage into the next relationship, and will make it that much harder. Also, consider the source - how's his relationship going? You wouldn't take medical advice from the cashier at McDonald's - don't listen to advice on how to do things from people who aren't qualified to give it.
I went through depression when I was younger too. I don't remember much of it at all, aside from being bullied. In the end, I did what I absolutely recommend *does not* ever get done - I decided 'there can be only one'. I already wore a trench coat, so that was nothing new. What changed is that I took my katana to school. Daily. For about 3 weeks. When I got taunted, I flashed the sword handle and started to draw it. Things stopped. I'm *extremely* lucky that nobody of authority found out. I don't even know what I was thinking at the time, looking back, but at that point in time, it seemed perfectly logical and appropriate.
I dated someone for about 4 years before. I was just in college, and she was still in high school. In the end, I dealt with her lying to me constantly, and almost (or maybe did) cheating on me (and with a woman, too). Oh, and we were engaged when we broke up and I discovered even more of her lies.
The thing I found most helpful at trying to forget and move on is to not be still. I went out with friends. I started tinkering with armor. I started martial arts on my own. I built a computer. I started working with wood. I took an extra class at college (over full time amount). I found the less time I had to think about things, the less I did.
Now, the thing is, you'll probably *never* forget about it all. I still haven't forgot some of my issues. I did, however, learn from them, and remembering them is simply a reminder that things have been much worse before. That's not to say you can't be sad, mad, or bitter - you can, because without feelings, we're just a shell - but don't let it consume you, and don't let it be your normal mood.
Revenge should not be a motive. It will lead you down a darker path, and into more troubles. It will blur your vision (metaphorically speaking), and color your outlook in a negative way.
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The problem with revenge is how do you measure when you've "gotten even"? What's even, fair, or just? You can only judge it from your point of view, and whatever you end up doing, it'll open the door to them retaliating back. These things tend to escalate.
As Sir William mentioned, often the best revenge is to simply live well and move on. When someone is marginalized and later realize they have no lasting impact on you, often that's all the revenge you need. And the icing on the cake is when they realize what they lost, because you've gone on to be happy, and they're still stuck playing adolescent games.
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Leganoth, if you take nothing else away from all of our advice, take this to heart: When someone is marginalized and later realize they have no lasting impact on you, often that's all the revenge you need. And the icing on the cake is when they realize what they lost, because you've gone on to be happy, and they're still stuck playing adolescent games.
That was well said, Sir Edward.
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Leganoth, if you take nothing else away from all of our advice, take this to heart: When someone is marginalized and later realize they have no lasting impact on you, often that's all the revenge you need. And the icing on the cake is when they realize what they lost, because you've gone on to be happy, and they're still stuck playing adolescent games.
That was well said, Sir Edward.
Thats true, ill will try to follow the advice
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went to the renn faire saturday and sunday, saw ALOT of...let me put this appropriately, attractive, girls (lol), some seemed interested in me from what i was noticing, BUT in the end, im gonna put this bluntly, i bitched out and didnt talk to them haha. Any tips on what i could do?
P.S.
will upload/post photos when i go this saturday again
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time to move on and have fun. can't wait for the armoured up pictures!!
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So are the pictures of you in armour or of attractive girls? ???
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Hey if you're wearing armor, you're also wearing a big ice-breaker / talking point! :)
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Hey if you're wearing armor, you're also wearing a big ice-breaker / talking point! :)
Definitely true! My best advice is to be calm and cool, and most of all be yourself. If you're trying too hard, you come off as desperate. Be friendly, polite, and sincere, and use the armor or garb as an opportunity to strike up a conversation. Girls love a man in armor!
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And remember...chics do dig armor. I get approached all the time for pictures- like these.
(http://i670.photobucket.com/albums/vv64/ebonpaladin/Armor/MDRF2010twolovelylasses.jpg)
And my wife is a huge fan of me in armor. lol
(http://i670.photobucket.com/albums/vv64/ebonpaladin/Armor/JandMeta2008.jpg)
One thing to keep in mind, if you appear to be enjoying yourself, they will feel you to be more approachable. If you catch them looking but not making their way toward you, you go to them. Strike up a conversation- doesn't matter what its about...talk will turn to other subjects, it always does when two people share an interest.
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You could also purchase a flower and present it to a lady with the compliment of paying homage to the fairest of the faire. ;)
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It must be awful to be you Sir William. Just awful.
;)
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Ivan, it can be trying at times...it can be trying. My wife helps out a lot with that though...like having my own personal cheer leader. She keeps me out of the dumps where I'm wont to go at times if I'm unsupervised.
That same day, three of us were approached by an eager young lady who wished to take a pic with all of us...I say she was fairest (and boldest) of them all!
(http://i670.photobucket.com/albums/vv64/ebonpaladin/Armor/MDRF2010lastweekendlovelylass.jpg)
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went to the renn faire saturday and sunday, saw ALOT of...let me put this appropriately, attractive, girls (lol), some seemed interested in me from what i was noticing, BUT in the end, im gonna put this bluntly, i bitched out and didnt talk to them haha. Any tips on what i could do?
P.S.
will upload/post photos when i go this saturday again
It's a simple answer, but just "talk". You may hit it off, you may not; if nothing else, you get the fun (and experience) of talking with attractive ladies. :)
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And I should point out, at the renfaires, the barrier to flirting is often a lot lower. It's a great opportunity to woo the young ladies relatively safely, and just have fun with it.
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I have zero luck with women. Partly has to do with me being part of a subculture that has few if ANY women, other half may be because I am a shy clueless person when it comes to "mating rituals". I never really had any women approach me at medieval faires either. Then again my outfit was an average footsoldier which is far from "noble". Also didnt have anyone approach me at wicked faire except this creepy furry girl which really was awkward. First time there was magical second time sucked actually. In all honesty it may be because I am very picky with women, as I am very picky with just about everything. Been that way my whole life practically....
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Yeah, I understand that pretty well. Being picky and having standards isn't a bad thing, but something I had to learn was how to re-order my priorities. Some of the things you think are important at first end up not being such a big deal, and others are more important than you realize.
But in terms of the renfaire, I'm finding that the armor can indeed be a chick-magnet, but it requires being noticeable, and some of it still comes from your own attitude. If I stand tall and straight, trying to put on my best "photo pose", it attracts more cameras and more comments from the ladies. I don't get a huge amount of them, mind you, but it happens here and there. Conversely, when I'm not in the mood for photos, the cameras are nowhere to be seen (for the most part). It's a subtle shift in how I'm carrying myself, and whether I look like I'm in a hurry to get somewhere.
Body language makes an enormous difference.
And helmets make a difference too. Without one, I'm just some guy in armor, but with it, suddenly it's "OMG there's a knight!!"
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I have always been picky, I think I am at least decent looking and deserve someone whos just as decent looking. I dont want a girl whos not attractive to me, I mean what goods the girl if you dont find her attractive. For me clicking with me is one of the biggest deals along with being attractive to me.
Oh, well I got a kettle helm which people don't recognize as a knights helm. Time to invest in a great helm I suppose. I also aint the tallest and medieval shoes unlike my regular boots dont raise me up 2 inches from the ground and make me look 5 10. I think thats partially why no one notices me really. I did have a girl take a pic of me before at a medieval faire but I was too socially crippled at the moment to even socialize properly at the time. Red and black coloration and black maille armor along with a great helm would stand out and people would probably like my kit. I do think I'm a little too self critical though with my kits, whats good to most people may not be good to me. I'd prolly hunch over with all that heavy armor on thank god I invested in riveted maille and didnt settle for butted mild steel crap.
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Just a note, don't be too snooty when choosing what women to talk to. Remember, girls like to see that you're not a D-bag who only acknowledges hot girls. Also, they often will introduce you to attractive friends ;)
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I have always been picky, I think I am at least decent looking and deserve someone whos just as decent looking. I dont want a girl whos not attractive to me, I mean what goods the girl if you dont find her attractive. For me clicking with me is one of the biggest deals along with being attractive to me.
I hate to play the age card, but your tastes will probably change a bit over the next 5 years or so. No matter how attractive the girl is, if you don't get along well, it's not going to be pleasant. On the other hand, sometimes attraction comes from being able to 'be yourself' around somebody, and not just physical appearance. Of course, if you find somebody who meets both of those - don't wait forever!
I do think I'm a little too self critical though with my kits, whats good to most people may not be good to me.
I know exactly what you mean, I am (generally) my own worst critic and I'm OCD with things that most people don't care much about. Like with my mail, I ruled out several options just based on the fact the same size and material isn't available for chausses, hauberk, fauld, voiders, and coif. It's even historical to have mail that doesn't match, but I still had to go with "all of it needs to look the same!", for some reason.
I have a hard time accepting compliments, and am in the habit of what often is basically someone saying "Hey, I like your armor" and I start on some rant like "Thanks, yeah, I think the legs are sitting a little funny, I need to get some better footwear, I'd really like an Albion sword instead of this one, and the shoulders keep catching on my breastplate, but, I guess it looks fine to other people, I'm just not happy with it. So-and-so makes a great set of pauldrons, but they have a 6 month waiting list, and I ordered a set from whoever that hasn't made or shipped them for 8 months, so I doubt I'll ever see that armor or money back, and I don't want to pay somebody else for something that I should have from before, and I can't find anywhere that makes good period scabbards for a reasonable price, and I don't want to pay a lot of money for a scabbard I'd have to glue a sword into just to get it here into MDRF. Maybe I should just run around yelling 'lightning bolt! lightning bolt!' with some elf ears. It reminds me of D&D, and I used to like that when I was younger, but never really had much chance to play. Except for the PC games, but our computer was too slow to run it, and I was always fighting with my sister for who gets to use the computer too........................" at which point I realize I've gone off on a horrible tangent, stop at a completely random sentence, and kind of stare blankly as my brain starts going "WTH did you just do??"
Almost. Every. Time.
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heres 1, at our faire we have about 4 girls dressed as faries, they dont talk, they walk really slow and weird. I find it errotic for some reason lol
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my friend severin and I, i have a few more pictures just of me with that white farie though, posted the blue one also
The faries freak Severin out, he was scared to take a picture, so he stood 10 feet away and we got a pic of that lol
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me and sev again
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Just a note, don't be too snooty when choosing what women to talk to. Remember, girls like to see that you're not a D-bag who only acknowledges hot girls. Also, they often will introduce you to attractive friends ;)
Yes, this!
Be a gentleman to ALL of the ladies, no matter how hot or how ugly. Even if you don't hit it off with one of them directly (and I agree, attraction is important), they have friends. But your tastes can change. Personally, I find a much wider range of women attractive now, that I'd have thought "meh" about when I was younger. Don't hold out for only the hottest girls. You'll find one who meshes with you and matches you well enough, but don't close those doors before you find out.
And something that's kinda cool about human nature is that when you start to get to know someone, they can become more attractive to you over time. You can start to notice things you might have overlooked before. So be careful about snap-judgments.
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I have a hard time accepting compliments, and am in the habit of what often is basically someone saying "Hey, I like your armor" and I start on some rant like "Thanks, yeah, I think the legs are sitting a little funny, I need to get some better footwear, I'd really like an Albion sword instead of this one, and the shoulders keep catching on my breastplate, but, I guess it looks fine to other people, I'm just not happy with it. So-and-so makes a great set of pauldrons, but they have a 6 month waiting list, and I ordered a set from whoever that hasn't made or shipped them for 8 months, so I doubt I'll ever see that armor or money back, and I don't want to pay somebody else for something that I should have from before, and I can't find anywhere that makes good period scabbards for a reasonable price, and I don't want to pay a lot of money for a scabbard I'd have to glue a sword into just to get it here into MDRF. Maybe I should just run around yelling 'lightning bolt! lightning bolt!' with some elf ears. It reminds me of D&D, and I used to like that when I was younger, but never really had much chance to play. Except for the PC games, but our computer was too slow to run it, and I was always fighting with my sister for who gets to use the computer too........................" at which point I realize I've gone off on a horrible tangent, stop at a completely random sentence, and kind of stare blankly as my brain starts going "WTH did you just do??"
Almost. Every. Time.
Hah! I've done that. Not usually so far off topic, but I'm extremely critical of my own gear.
The first time I met Christian Tobler (this was at WMAW, in 2007), he recognized me from my websites, which I thought was a nice compliment in itself. At the end of the event, he said something to me like "Hey, you should come up and visit us and bring that beautiful harness". I cringed, visibly, and I could see that he had a look on his face like "what did I say??". I apologized to him later and said that the thought that flashed through my brain was about how ill-fitting it is, with non-historical shapes and so on, and because I had this hero-worship thing going on I felt embarrassed to show it to him. :)
All a huge mistake. Take the compliment for what it is.
heres 1, at our faire we have about 4 girls dressed as faries, they dont talk, they walk really slow and weird. I find it errotic for some reason lol
Heh, I'd use the word "alluring", personally. But yes, cute fairies are cute, yes? :)
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went to the renn faire saturday and sunday, saw ALOT of...let me put this appropriately, attractive, girls (lol), some seemed interested in me from what i was noticing, BUT in the end, im gonna put this bluntly, i bitched out and didnt talk to them haha. Any tips on what i could do?
Dig deep and find a pair...if you bitch out too often you'll be quite lonely, my friend. Not having been there, it seems to me that they were trying to get your attention- they succeeded. Then it was up to you to further the cause...believe it or not, they're just as shy as you are, probably moreso. One thing about girls is that if they really like you, they'll figure out a way to let you know...be it a certain look, a light touch, a glint in the eye...since you're so young, you've got plenty of time to perfect your skills at attracting the opposite sex- just don't dwell on it overmuch. You'll drive yourself nuts. Try to have fun and all the rest will fall into place if it is supposed to.
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heres 1, at our faire we have about 4 girls dressed as faries, they dont talk, they walk really slow and weird. I find it errotic for some reason lol
Dovariche Bogatyr!
That no fairy!
That Rusalka! :o
Here to lure you to death by drowning. Only pure heart can free her tomented soul with big sloppy kiss.
Good Luck! ;D
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heres 1, at our faire we have about 4 girls dressed as faries, they dont talk, they walk really slow and weird. I find it errotic for some reason lol
Dovariche Bogatyr!
That no fairy!
That Rusalka! :o
Here to lure you to death by drowning. Only pure heart can free her tomented soul with big sloppy kiss.
Good Luck! ;D
LOL what??? whats a Rusalka???
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Yes alluring is much better, i was brain dead when i posted those pics and couldnt think of a word lol
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heres 1, at our faire we have about 4 girls dressed as faries, they dont talk, they walk really slow and weird. I find it errotic for some reason lol
Dovariche Bogatyr!
That no fairy!
That Rusalka! :o
Here to lure you to death by drowning. Only pure heart can free her tomented soul with big sloppy kiss.
Good Luck! ;D
Just wikied the rusalka, very interesting. She did a good job on the costume and act haha
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Mission accomplished, i got 3 girls numbers on saturday, 18 year old, 23, and 24, and im 17 so idk if i should laugh and feel great or be scared lol. Anyways, i figured NOT wearing my kit worked out that day. Apparently you attract more attention if you wearing 4 inch platform boots that make you 6 foot 7
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Hah, yeah, that's OK, sometimes you need to stick out whichever way you can. :)
Congrats on having some success out there! Don't let their ages intimidate you. If they like you for who you are, the age gap isn't that huge in the long-run.
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Hey congratulations! ;)
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Hah, yeah, that's OK, sometimes you need to stick out whichever way you can. :)
Congrats on having some success out there! Don't let their ages intimidate you. If they like you for who you are, the age gap isn't that huge in the long-run.
Exactly what i was thinking.
Thanks everyone!
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Hah, yeah, that's OK, sometimes you need to stick out whichever way you can. :)
Congrats on having some success out there! Don't let their ages intimidate you. If they like you for who you are, the age gap isn't that huge in the long-run.
This; in fact in my teens I made it a point to chase women who were 10-15 years older than me with great success. Now that I'm headed down the 'old dirty man' route, I'm looking at them 15-20 years younger than me! lol
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Hell I hit the gym and lost 23 lbs.
Now I got the girls checking me out. 8)
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Well my luck has struck again lol, had a date set up for tomorrow, then the girl gets grounded (and shes about to be 18 on friday) who grounds an 18 year old thats ridiculous
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Well my luck has struck again lol, had a date set up for tomorrow, then the girl gets grounded (and shes about to be 18 on friday) who grounds an 18 year old thats ridiculous
Actually, a lot of people. There's an old saying, "My roof, my rules", and 18 or 25, act up and get locked down. Seen it happen on more than one occasion. :)
If she's not allowed out, but can talk on the phone / internet, chat with her a bit, try to set up a "raincheck" date for next week (or whenever).
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lol, well, until she's actually 18, she's still a minor, so I can see how a grounding might still be needed. Heh :)
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Well my luck has struck again lol, had a date set up for tomorrow, then the girl gets grounded (and shes about to be 18 on friday) who grounds an 18 year old thats ridiculous
Actually, a lot of people. There's an old saying, "My roof, my rules", and 18 or 25, act up and get locked down. Seen it happen on more than one occasion. :)
If she's not allowed out, but can talk on the phone / internet, chat with her a bit, try to set up a "raincheck" date for next week (or whenever).
I hate the my roof my rules rule haha. Yeah we are trying to work somthing out for me and her only, but I will see her at the faire this weekend.
lol, well, until she's actually 18, she's still a minor, so I can see how a grounding might still be needed. Heh :)
Well shes 18 on friday so pretty much same difference haha
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I hate the my roof my rules rule haha.
It's pretty normal to get frustrated with that, but it's the way things should be. The person who works a job and pays for that roof has the final say. My step-brother is having problems with that right now too. He turned 18 but still lives with his mom. Until he moves out, it's mom's rules. He hates it, but that's the way it is.
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I hate the my roof my rules rule haha.
When you have your own place and end up with a freeloader living with you, you can then complain...or rather, when she does! ;)
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I guess but still haha, a little old to pull that card
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Not at all, not at all. Your point of view may change once you're on your own responsible for paying your own rent, bills, car note, insurance, etc etc. I left home on my 18th birthday because I figured I was 'too old' to have to adhere to such rules- but I left and moved into my own place in order to do so. In retrospect, I guess I'm lucky I didn't get into more trouble as a young man considering...but had I stayed home, chances are I wouldn't have gotten into any trouble and life could've been a bit different.
I have no regrets- and having raised two children of my own I can tell you- my house, my rules. If my 21 year old daughter wanted to come live w/me, she understands that the rules come with it. Same with my soon-to-be 18 year old...she lives w/her mother and is subject to her ruleset but if she lived w/me, it'd be mine. As a parent, it is our responsibility to think about, and in some cases, worry about some of the decisions and actions our kids will face and be a part of- which is why there are rules in the first place. You let a kid have free reign and you'll have trouble on your hands. I know grown people, in their 30s who still live w/their parents...perhaps at that age, the rules might need to be altered, but I wonder at the sanity of parents who would let their kids still live at home at that advanced age. Could not, would not be me!
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Yeah we are trying to work somthing out for me and her only, but I will see her at the faire this weekend.
Something to keep in mind of course is that the "grounding" might also be an excuse. This isn't automatically the case by any means, but young women in particular will often make excuses to avoid telling you they've changed their mind. It's a possibility that's worth being prepared for. If that sort of thing happens, you can always ask her out again, and if she has another excuse, then you have your answer and can move on (and don't feel bad about it at all, as it just means it's time to look elsewhere and bears no other reflection on you).
Hopefully this isn't the case, and she really was grounded, but I thought it was worth mentioning. We've all been there at one time or another.
My general rule of thumb has been to take people at face-value at first, and then once you start to see a pattern emerge, then you're getting to see the truth. :)
Good luck and have a great time at the faire this weekend!
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Something to keep in mind of course is that the "grounding" might also be an excuse.
Agreed, I was nudging at that thought as a possibility earlier:
If she's not allowed out, but can talk on the phone / internet, chat with her a bit, try to set up a "raincheck" date for next week (or whenever).
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Yeah, even as a kid I can agree with the "my roof my rules" thing. They pay for basically everything, you live there for free. The least you can do is listen to what some folks with your best intrests at heart (and a ton more of life experience) say. Though that doesn't and shouldn't mean you don't get a say at all. Kids should be allowed to negotiate and at least present their side of the issue.
Also, age isn't that big of an issue. Look at some long-tern couples ages. Heck, I once had a summer fling with a 19 year old when I was 14. Age isn't a factor, maturity is.
Anyway, I'd take her word that she's grounded. If she dos that or somethign similer again, though, you might have a problem.
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Yeah, even as a kid I can agree with the "my roof my rules" thing. They pay for basically everything, you live there for free. The least you can do is listen to what some folks with your best intrests at heart (and a ton more of life experience) say. Though that doesn't and shouldn't mean you don't get a say at all. Kids should be allowed to negotiate and at least present their side of the issue.
Also, age isn't that big of an issue. Look at some long-tern couples ages. Heck, I once had a summer fling with a 19 year old when I was 14. Age isn't a factor, maturity is.
Anyway, I'd take her word that she's grounded. If she dos that or somethign similer again, though, you might have a problem.
Yeah im pretty sure she was grounded this time, had a applicable story behind it, if it happens again i might be like hmmm idk about that
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It's not BS when you guys say women like armor, I wore my maille for the first time at a medieval faire today and I had a group of women approach me today. I was like WTF this has NEVER happened to me before. It's a shame I didnt get to know them more due to the fact I was basically overwhelmed with what happened. Needless to say I am gonna wear armor more often to the faire because it does work as an ice breaker. They knew I was a knight first and foremost.
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Congrats. :) Yep, it takes some time to get your confidence up to talk with them more, but I'm glad you're seeing that it's an ice-breaker. Of course, the flip side is that it sometimes draws in people you really don't want to talk to as well. Heh. :)
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Or it draws in drunkards who punch you square in the chest. :o
Although it draws in women more often than the MMA aspiring drunks, so I'd stick with the armour. ;)
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I was like overwhelmed, I liked it though I was a bit shy. They loved my sword too I showed them it and they were all wow this is a cool sword. Good ice breaker for talking to girls seriously. Just wish I could overcome my shyness and social awkwardness when talking to women. Not really used to talking to women in person, only online.
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I was like overwhelmed, I liked it though I was a bit shy. They loved my sword too I showed them it and they were all wow this is a cool sword. Good ice breaker for talking to girls seriously. Just wish I could overcome my shyness and social awkwardness when talking to women. Not really used to talking to women in person, only online.
It's always awkward to be out of your comfort zone, but the more you put yourself there, the less awkward it will be and the more comfortable you will become over time. The hardest part is forcing yourself outside of the social anxiety box. Don't put pressure on yourself. You don't have to impress the first girl you talk to, just keep talking to more girls and you'll eventually find one you click with. The conversation part becomes easier as you do it more. Keep using the armor for now as the icebreaker, and talk about what you like! In this case, talk about the armor itself, it's uses, medieval stuff... then once you get beyond that, you'll find yourself talking about completely unrelated things and you'll look back at the conversation and be like, holy $h%t! that didn't feel awkward at all!
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Huzzah for you and good advice all around from your brethren Ulrich. Just remember to be gracious and courteous as that will help substantiate the impression the ladies are expecting you to fulfill as the embodiment of their expectations of a 'knight in shining armor'. ;)
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Amen Sir Brian, Amen!
Ian's got the right idea with this. That's stellar advice to use when you need a "plan" to stick to when talking to women.
Congrats Ulrich, keep it up. Really, practice makes perfect. The more ladies you talk to, the better you'll be at it (and also the more you will get to know and meet) ;)
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Yep, I agree.
This is all general advice of course, not aimed at any particular one of you guys. But something I'd like to point out also is to keep in mind that when you're young and "on the prowl", it's natural to go out with different girls and take some time getting to know yourself as well as them. So don't take it harshly if it doesn't work out with any one particular girl. It's a learning opportunity, not just about your own wants/needs, but also about relationships in general, and about what sorts of personality traits you mesh with and which ones you don't. Sometimes it will surprise you.
I suggest being patient with it as best you can. If you can put aside any sense of immediacy, it'll serve you better. We're all pretty well trained by today's instant-gratification society that anything we desire should be nothing more than a mouse-click away. But relationships don't work that way. So don't let it get you down if things seem to move too slowly. If you can be calm, cool, and patient, it'll all pay off.
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...keep in mind that when you're young and "on the prowl", it's natural to go out with different girls and take some time getting to know yourself as well as them. So don't take it harshly if it doesn't work out with any one particular girl. It's a learning opportunity, not just about your own wants/needs, but also about relationships in general, and about what sorts of personality traits you mesh with and which ones you don't. Sometimes it will surprise you.
This. If you take nothing else away from all of our advice, keep this close to heart and you won't ever go too far wrong. Unless you pick a crazy, but that's another topic for another day. ;)
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Sir William, now THERE'S a good topic idea. Let's start a thread about insane girlfreinds! ;) ;D
Not really, but that's a beutiful peice of advice Sir Ed has put to keyboard. Always be patient, if you want a good longstanding relationship :)
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One other thing- don't be in a hurry to be in a long-term relationship. You're young, times and people change...what you like now in a woman may not be the same thing in ten years, beside the obvious stuff.
I'll give you an example. I've been married twice...the first time, I met her when I was 19 but she was dating someone else; we met again and decided to just hook up. That hookup turned into something else entirely- and beyond the sexual aspect, it wasn't anything good. Naturally we parted ways...I have two great daughters (now aged 21 and 18) but a whole host of bad feelings and such because of it. Wasn't always like that, but when one is done and the other isn't...it can and usually does cause emotional issues. With that said, I met my current wife 8 years ago, and I was at a place in my life where I just assumed I'd be a perpetual bachelor for the rest of my life and had decided that if I was going to resign myself to such, I was going out with a bang- that meant that I intended to sleep with as many different women as possible before settling down for a monogamous, if not necessarily rewarding relationship. Then I met my wife and something in me clicked. All thoughts of razing the countryside as it were went right out of my head and intentions...do you know within months of dating her I'd contacted every hangers-on I kept in the pocket for whatever reason to let them know it wasn't ever going to occur again? A huge deal, that. Never looked back, zero regrets- but I was 30 when we met and had done a lot of living and maturing over the years. I wanted to be the best man I could for this woman and while it is no easy task to go against your baser instincts, it is a GOOD and PROPER thing when you have the right person for whom you want to better yourself for.
I'm going to borrow a line from a movie that Jack Nicholson uttered: she made me want to be a better man. For me, inside and out. I'm nowhere near perfect, I'm still an asshole at times...but I'm a kinder, gentler one- and all because she inspires me to do so. It may be different for you, but when you meet that One who sparks a fire in you, you'll know...it won't be just a passing fancy, it won't be as two ships passing in the night, the flick of a lighter...it'll be a flame, a conflagration, an inferno of...of...well, I won't call it love, but you'll feel it, it won't be something you could ignore. Or ever likely forget.
Do you know how I knew? When I realized that how she felt meant more to me than how I felt...I never knew that before, to really put someone else before you, not because you have to, not because of obligation, but simply because you wanted to, it felt right to do so. I wish you well, Leganoth, in your search...and hope that you find what I and some of our brethren here already have. A partner in life, one worthy of your time, love and attention- as much as you are worthy of hers.
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Do you know how I knew? When I realized that how she felt meant more to me than how I felt...I never knew that before, to really put someone else before you, not because you have to, not because of obligation, but simply because you wanted to, it felt right to do so. I wish you well, Leganoth, in your search...and hope that you find what I and some of our brethren here already have. A partner in life, one worthy of your time, love and attention- as much as you are worthy of hers.
That right there; that's what it's all about. :)
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Well that girl from Germany returned and finally is talking to me again, apparently she didnt know valentines day I was asking her out and she got all confused. Considering she suffers from a disability and isnt exactly the brightest bulb I dunno what to believe. I dont know if I even love her anymore as I being screwed over many times by females in the past, tend to be bitter and pessimistic about women and relationships in general. She said she felt horrible for making me sad and depressed and my friend said she felt like cutting herself over it being the emo she is. She said the main reason was her mom threatening her is why she stopped talking to me, I dont know what to believe but thats a red flag for me, shows disloyalty IMO. I am not exactly chivalrous towards women either being taken advantage of in the past (with a girl who strung me along) and manipulated I adopt a "I couldnt care less" attitude and basically am an online wencher, i'd prolly be an IRL wencher too if I knew women in person. Thats just how most of youth work these days especially if you're non religious like me and only seek out non religious women.
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Not to be vendictive or spiteful but maybe you should seek out someone new for yourself .... like her "sister" or "best friend" & see how that works for her. LOL :) Although, this is not the knight in me talking you understand (maybe the mead). **hiccup**
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See about seeking someone IRL. Go to renn faires in armour, go places, meet with people, ect. You'd be surprised how much more satisfying a real life relationship is then talking through facebook chat.
Also, don't demand loyalty from someone. Demanding loyalty is one of the surest ways to not receive it.
Also, we've all been screwed over at some point by a girl in a relationship. It happens. Don't get the idea that you need to make all women pay for the sins of a few. Not all women are like that, and trust me, the ones that aren't HATE that type of behavior (just like how we hate the behavior of guys who cheat on or abuse women).
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The thing with loyalty is that it has to be earned. Girls have no reason to be loyal to you if you haven't been committed to each other already, and even then you have no "right" to her loyalty. It has to be freely given, or it means nothing. By demanding it, you set yourself up for failure.
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The thing with loyalty is that it has to be earned. Girls have no reason to be loyal to you if you haven't been committed to each other already, and even then you have no "right" to her loyalty. It has to be freely given, or it means nothing. By demanding it, you set yourself up for failure.
Exactly!
Acting unchivalrous towards women from the beginning is a rather sure way to end up with a world of troubles. Regarding the one you were talking to, if you can't trust her, walk away. And if she's depressed and wanting to cut herself, honestly, she sounds like a train wreck and I can't see any possible way things would work. However, if she truly didn't know you were asking her out, then you're probably being too passive or too mysterious - spell it out. "Would you like to go on a date on Feb 14th?". That's all it takes. There's no reason you should have trust issues that early unless something is wrong - but with all due respect, it sounds like you're setting yourself up for failure every time, from multiple angles.
As Sir Nathan said, get out there and actually meet someone in the "real world". Internet relationships won't help, and in most cases, considerably hinder the ability to have a normal and functional relationship in real life when the opportunity comes. Being a "wencher" is one of the top ways to never have a good relationship, and have more drama in your life (and STDs) than a 90s soap opera.
Just some friendly advice from someone who has been through rocky relationship roads before finding happiness....
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I am not exactly chivalrous towards women either being taken advantage of in the past (with a girl who strung me along) and manipulated I adopt a "I couldnt care less" attitude and basically am an online wencher, i'd prolly be an IRL wencher too if I knew women in person. Thats just how most of youth work these days especially if you're non religious like me and only seek out non religious women.
Let us focus on that first sentence. Unless you've missed everything we have all suggested to Leganoth then you must know that being chivalrous toward women isn't a minor suggestion, but a path to a successful relationship. A woman likes to be made much of, especially if it is deserved, or even if they just think it is- as nervous and unsure as you may be when first speaking to a woman, so it is for her as well. They can be, at times, inscrutable creatures, but as men, so can we be. That first impression will stay with them, so it behooves you to rise to the occasion- or not.
When you are walking, riding or driving...which direction do you normally look? Ahead of you, or behind? It is much the same way with life...spend too much time looking behind you and you will miss what's going on in front of you- like meeting that One I spoke of earlier. You can't possibly meet her if you're still immured in the past, sulking over previous slights, real or imagined, can you? No, you can't. Or rather, you may meet her, but being so caught up in what others have done to you in the past, you'll not even realize what you just missed until its too late. You want to talk about being depressed? That'll do it.
It is your life to do with it as you will, but realize this- should you ultimately fail at relationships, which you will- especially if you hold all women in contempt for the actions of a few, you will have no one to blame but yourself. How you react to a given situation is yours, and yours alone to dictate. You cannot lay blame on another for how you react to a given situation. "She" can't make you angry or sad, you allow her actions to evoke such within you. You control yourself, your actions if not your emotions...be the master of your domain. The alternative is lonely, depressing and nothing worth spending a lot of time thinking about.
They have as much to lose as you do, and quite likely have issues with what's happened to them in the past...do you think it wise, or fair that they should saddle you with the transgressions of the ones who came before you? I should think not. Same goes for you. Think on it, young man.
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Well my main issue is a lot of women these days (especially where I live) take advantage of "nice guys" and then end up dating the "jerks" and then being outright hurt and rejected the "nice guys" become jerks and it makes the cycle repeats. I am never usually a jerk to women but if I see them starting to try to manipulate or take advantage or control me something goes off in my head to say "get out of this now" and I leave them. I dont want to repeat the same mistake twice and go through the pain of it yet again. Last thing I want is to end up pathetically attached to someone who is only going to use me which happened YEARS ago but it was the worst pain I ever experienced in my lifetime. I do know not all women do that but my luck seems to be bad, maybe it's just that I talk to the wrong people. Though to be honest I would absolutely love to have someone I could keep close it seems in this day and age every relationship is disposable especially for people my own age and "social group". So basically what I have been seeking is what I cannot get so in turn I adapted by being like everyone else and just having fun.
I usually try to look forward in life, several years ago I was a different person than I am now and I basically totally outright changed myself on purpose so I would no longer be "stuck in the past. I actually have a friend who is STUCK on beating himself up over his past mistakes and he's depressed every single day and does nothing but complain about his mistakes on a DAILY basis and does nothing to change things. I took that as my key to stop harping on the past but I do try to learn from my mistakes as thats something I usually have trouble with at some issues.
I am currently trying to put it behind us and that those issues were bad but she's at least came back to talking to me feeling terrible for what happened. I still care about her despite what happened as I always expect the worst to avoid disappointment. I dunno about anyone here but I only date online cause finding people of the subcultures I am a part of is a relative impossibility at the moment due to my geographic location. I only ever meet like-minded people at conventions or faires and rarely in the outside world. Also women are a relative rarity in the subcultures I am a part of and if I wasn't part of these subcultures finding a girl would be 100% easier. I don't want a "normal" girl they just dont appeal to me much.
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I am never usually a jerk to women but if I see them starting to try to manipulate or take advantage or control me something goes off in my head to say "get out of this now" and I leave them.
If that's what you mean by "unchivalrous", then IMO, it's just common sense. Being chivalrous would mean treating them with respect and kindness until they show reason or act in a manner with which to stop doing so. And in that case, leaving before things get worse is the proper thing to do. I would not call that unchivalrous at all. And you've touched on something very important and very good to know at your age - *learn* from the mistakes of the past, but *don't* hold offenses of previous relationships against the current one.
I think as you get a bit older, and you're able to visit other places and meet older and/or more mature people, you'll find someone more to your liking than the current "options". If you're finding like-minded people at faire or conventions, make that initial contact there, and then do something outside of faire. It doesn't have to be the only time you can hang out and socialize - men or women.
I got married 2 years ago, after dating for ~10 years; if I look back 15 years before that, I pictured myself with a Japanese woman, with long dark hair, who was into martial arts, computers and video games. I went through a long-term relationship, got engaged ... and things went to hell in a handbasket after that, and we broke up. And yet, I'm now quite happily married to a hispanic woman, who never took martial arts, doesn't do anything with computers beyond facebook and email, and doesn't play video games. Don't lock yourself into looking for a specific pre-selected race or hobby - if your core values are mutually compatible, it'll take you much farther than having different core values but belonging to some arbitrary group or hobby.
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It's funny how that works. A lot of the time, your preconceived notions of what is the right kind of woman for you may be completely wrong. It may be heavily influenced by your interests of the day, or what Hollywood trains you to think is "normal".
In my case, some of my assumptions were right. I knew it was unrealistic to hold out for a gamer-girl. But I pictured myself with a musician, school-teacher, or librarian. Not sure why. But my wife, when I first met her, was a music teacher who was stuck with teaching library. :) That was just all coincidence.
I had a horrendously hard time meeting girls when I was younger, especially since most of my interests were more solitary and intellectual (programming, computer games, etc). I decided to start hanging out at the renfaires more, since that was the one interest I had that was more social, and it completely worked.
The trick is to socialize with a lot of people, men and women alike, and broaden your social circle. You'll meet more women through other friends.
But a point I wanted to make is there doesn't have to be a 100% overlap in interests. I think it's ideal to have a couple of things in common that you can do together, and a lot of other things you do independently. I'll give you an example. Let's say you're a computer engineer, but you meet a girl who is twice as smart at that subject as you are. It's only natural to feel you're living in a shadow.
By having different fields of interest, but a shared hobby, it lets you connect, but also maintain independent identity and not feel pressure to do everything together all of the time.
In my case, my wife and I both really like the renfaires, medieval stuff in general, watch a few of the same TV shows, and can go do other things together like visiting wineries and so on. But when I play computer games, she reads books. As participants at VARF, she's on cast, and now I'm sword-fighting there. I do historical swordsmanship, she likes period music and dancing.
I think as with anything in life, it's all about striking the right balance. And it takes time to find that, so when things don't work out immediately, please try not to get too discouraged.
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At first, I wanted to say 'get offline and meet some women face to face' but the internet isn't the beast it used to be just ten to fifteen years ago, when I was using the internet to increase the selection of available women, a lot of them were lying about themselves. Even then, people were less sure about meeting IRL, there was more of a fantasy element to it. Like role playing. Nowadays, anyone actively doing so will be outright ridiculed in the community, and rightly so- there's no place for that among mature people. Still, there is something to be said about meeting someone face to face, in what I hesitate to call 'the old fashioned way', but I guess it is since people don't seem to do it as much anymore. For all the online hunting I've done, I met my wife the old fashioned way...but of course, your mileage may vary. ;)
Sir Edward's spot on...100% compatibility isn't something you should shoot for, in fact, if you're too alike you might aggravate one another and that's never good. Find some common ground, but have outside interests- it is always good to have something that you can share, but equally as good to have some things to yourself.
As with Sir Edward, my wife and I have many common interests, but also divergent ones; my wife loves to attend the Ren Faires, she indulges me with the plethora of armor and weapons that're constantly coming in and going out of the house, we have the same tastes with regard to cuisine/dining and extracurricular activities and some tv shows, but she also likes to hang out with her girls, go shopping, cruise with the top down, spend time with her family- all things I generally cannot stand, but will humor her as she does me. Usually when she's doing those things, I'm futtering with a bit of armor, or checking blades for nicks and rust, playing video games (a whole lot of that lol), doing auto maintenance or reading books...we have things we like to do together, but we also have things we like separately. Whenever we've been apart doing our own little interests, I find that I'm always excited and glad to see her when we get back in one place. We've found a happy medium...it is essential for a successful relationship. If you make it just about you and her to the detriment of everything else- it can be unhealthy in the long run.
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This morning I awoke to a very strange email. My email got hacked and sent out advertisements and this is what happened.
"It seems you sent me some.. weird advertisement or whatever this is. Either way, I just hope you know you're not the only one of us who dreams about the other. I still get dreams about you. Sometimes we're back together, sometimes you're just in the background & other times I wake up thinking nothing happened & we're still together. Dreams do that.. Then reality kicks in & I know better. Anyways... I've really, really been needing to get this off my chest.. I'm sorry for what has happened & how it happened. Don't you think it didn't affect me or make me feel terrible. Because it did. But I just wanted to let you know that...
> >& I hope you're doing well & I just really needed to say I'm sorry for everything."
Thats an email i got from my ex that cheated on me back very early this year. Im glad she feels terrible, she should. This was a very satisfying email to read. To be honest, i threw my arms in the air and yelled YES!!
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LOL
Now, now...you shouldn't celebrate too much at someone else's heartache...but I totally understand. ;)
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LOL, well in the end I told her I did not accept her apology, that I still hate her, and for her to not speak to me again. Harsh, but deserved. lol
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LOL, well in the end I told her I did not accept her apology, that I still hate her, and for her to not speak to me again. Harsh, but deserved. lol
Probably deserved, yes, but this was also an opportunity to take the high-ground. I might have said something like, "What you did was wrong, and it really hurt me. I don't hate you for it, and I've moved on. However, future respect and forgiveness must be earned. And if you continue this pattern of behavior, don't expect any of your relationships to ever make you happy in the future, or anyone else to treat you any better."
It's a way of giving them advice, forgiving them, and at the same time getting some satisfaction from showing that you're doing fine and they're not. :)
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LOL, well in the end I told her I did not accept her apology, that I still hate her, and for her to not speak to me again. Harsh, but deserved. lol
Probably deserved, yes, but this was also an opportunity to take the high-ground. I might have said something like, "What you did was wrong, and it really hurt me. I don't hate you for it, and I've moved on. However, future respect and forgiveness must be earned. And if you continue this pattern of behavior, don't expect any of your relationships to ever make you happy in the future, or anyone else to treat you any better."
It's a way of giving them advice, forgiving them, and at the same time getting some satisfaction from showing that you're doing fine and they're not. :)
Ahhhh this is true. Thats a good idea lol
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I still say try out her sister or best friend. lol Hell, I'd even try out her mother after all that. That will rub it in. :P
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A relationship with a woman is supposed to make you happy. As soon as it doesn't, there's no reason to bother with it anymore.
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And by that I mean a fresh relationship. When you're young, it should be fun. Save the pain and suffering for a relationship that has already proven itself to be worth it.
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A relationship with a woman is supposed to make you happy. As soon as it doesn't, there's no reason to bother with it anymore.
And that folks is the perfect definition of a 'one night stand'. A toast to Sir Siegfried. Salude!!! ;D
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And by that I mean a fresh relationship. When you're young, it should be fun. Save the pain and suffering for a relationship that has already proven itself to be worth it.
Exactly, and on a side note, lord dane and siegfried you guys have great kits lol
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Thanks, Leganoth!
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And by that I mean a fresh relationship. When you're young, it should be fun. Save the pain and suffering for a relationship that has already proven itself to be worth it.
Exactly, and on a side note, lord dane and siegfried you guys have great kits lol
Why thank you. I do try to be trendy when doing the medieval thing. ;) I look so good, I think I'll change my name to "Lord Vanity". LOL Someone fetch me a body-size mirror.
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I haven't heard from my ex since we broke up a year ago but I did run into her ex-husband last month (same SCA principality, I was a Marshal for his Field at West Crown) and he thanked me for getting engaged to her as it finally got her off her ass to finalize their divorce. Shortly after he got engaged to a prettier, smarter, and nicer woman than our mutual ex.
While I currently an single I find I am happier not being in an abusive relationship. I don't know what she wanted but I turned out not to be it. I hold no animosity towards her but I do almost want to tell her current boyfriend to watch out & get himself checked.
Tis better to be alone and sane than not but in a crazed relationship.
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I haven't heard from my ex since we broke up a year ago but I did run into her ex-husband last month (same SCA principality, I was a Marshal for his Field at West Crown) and he thanked me for getting engaged to her as it finally got her off her ass to finalize their divorce. Shortly after he got engaged to a prettier, smarter, and nicer woman than our mutual ex.
While I currently an single I find I am happier not being in an abusive relationship. I don't know what she wanted but I turned out not to be it. I hold no animosity towards her but I do almost want to tell her current boyfriend to watch out & get himself checked.
Tis better to be alone and sane than not but in a crazed relationship.
Ah, Shakespeare. A better quote be this...."Once a shrew, always a shrew. Now that she's gone... Wench, a brew!!!"
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LOL!! Lord vanity!!! hahah!! well done!
Yes i agree, id rather be in no relationship than a bad one
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(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/599400_500107560006843_945414626_n.jpg)
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LOL that's hilarious...could've used that a few times.