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Author Topic: Life. (be prepared for reading)  (Read 42647 times)

SirNathanQ

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #30 on: 2012-04-03, 01:30:10 »

Don't despair, it can be cured (mostly). I'm living proof. :)
                     
Leganoth, do not despair. No matter how deep depression strikes, one is always able to defeat it. I know what you're going through, and I know no matter how deep it gets you can always pull through.  That's all I myself will say for myself. It's quite personal for me, you see.

And Sir Ulrich, Sir Brian is right on the money. One of the knightly tenants of chivalry is courtesy respect for women, even if they deserve it or not.
« Last Edit: 2012-04-03, 02:20:36 by SirNathanQ »
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Sir Edward

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #31 on: 2012-04-03, 02:14:47 »
and when did you get over your depression and what was it for? (if i may ask)

It's not a problem, I have no difficulty talking about it. It's an important part of what shaped me (the recovery that is), and I certainly want to share my experiences if it will help people.

Mine was a life-long thing that started as early as elementary school, but didn't really become a serious thing until high school, and continued to get worse in college. Poor self esteem, low confidence, leading to an inability to meet girls or do much outside of spending all my time on the computer.

After a few years of college, I finally got counseling and medication (the meds are not a cure, they only take the edge off while you deal with the real problem). The actual problem, for most people, is the way they think and react to things. A rare few people have a chemical imbalance, for whom the meds are a cure. But for most people, it's psychological. The problem is that once you've been feeling bad for a long time, you've trained your brain to work that way. So you have to train it to work the way you want, otherwise you're stuck in a rut. Your brain behaves like a set of muscles-- it will adapt to the way you use it.

Anyway, I was diagnosed as "mild major depression". It sounds like a contradiction. But remember, in medical terms, "mild" can mean "not currently killing you". :) I was never suicidal, and could still mostly go about may day without curling up and hiding away from the world, but it was still a form of "major depression".

Counseling and medication was about a year long for me. At that point I still had a ways to go, but got what I needed out of those things. I probably spent the next 5 years having to be conscious about my reactions and thoughts, constantly. It's hard to do that. It's like clawing your way out of a dark abyss. But it worked.

I've been depression-free for over a decade. Now granted, that doesn't mean I don't still have bad days, or can completely ignore that I once had it. But my thoughts don't automatically go down the wrong path anymore. It just requires constant vigilance until it becomes natural.

« Last Edit: 2012-04-03, 02:18:31 by Sir Edward »
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Leganoth

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #32 on: 2012-04-03, 06:08:28 »
I think that most of the struggle is not thinking about things that make you depressed or angry, you think about it and its like, no i need to stop but its hard to stop sometimes

Sir Brian

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #33 on: 2012-04-03, 08:13:35 »
It is difficult but not insurmountable. Keeping a proper perspective does take practice and being honest with yourself about the blessings you do have which is what everyone should strive to remember. Just because you are not as blessed as some people, you are certainly more blessed than a majority of people on this planet.  ;)
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Leganoth

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #34 on: 2012-04-03, 19:05:56 »
Very well said brian

Sir William

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #35 on: 2012-04-05, 17:34:49 »
I still remember what it was like to 'love' someone who did not love me back.  Jealousy, paranoia, unreasonable anger, depression...and if they ever deign to glance in your direction its like the sun just burst over the horizon.  I went through that at least a dozen times in high school- and never had a single gf until I was a senior.  You see, I was but 5'2" until I grew to 5'10" in my senior year and all the girls who used to look me in the eye (or down as the case was, I did like statuesque women) could no longer do so, and they began to take me more seriously.  So I had two gf's in my senior year, and ended up taking a dead ringer of my 2nd gf to the prom...she was prettier too, but I did not enjoy that evening.

Pretty much all of what you have already read from the others is tried and true wisdom...look not at our ages and scoff, because we have all been there, to varying degrees, and apparently remember quite a bit of what it was like to be young, passionate and foolish in 'love'.  I put it in single quotes because I can tell you- I hadn't had a fucking clue what it really meant.

I got married early on too, when I was 20, to a 23 year old woman that I'd met thru a distant relative who she'd been dating off and on for several years.  We fell hard; mostly because it was 'forbidden', you know?  It was almost too easy, I should've known better you could say.  It was all lust, fully charged- like lightning is attracted to a lightning rod, so we were. 

I used to wonder at myself because I have always been able to 'turn it off', emotions I mean...which I now understand only meant that I wasn't truly in love.  I married again, to a most wonderful woman who had the heart and decency to show me what love really meant...up until I met her, I only had what you could call a textbook understanding of the mechanics...and was totally lost as to how I would ever get to that point.  I think of her all the time, wonder how she is, what can I do to make her smile, make her happy?  I realize now, for me, that true love could only come when I was willing to put her before me- to consider her feelings, her thoughts before my own; I had never done that before in my entire life.  Never.  And yet now, it is as natural as breathing.  Don't get me wrong, she's a woman so there's always going to be something that strikes you as odd, or what have you, but you'll find that it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme, because you'll find, as I did, that you're so much happier than you've ever been and you can honestly envision the two of you living your lives together, and she shares that vision wholeheartedly.  I hope you find that, I hope everyone finds that for themselves one day.

I spent a lot of my adolescent and teen years wondering who I would end up with, had all these lists and dreams and the like...I remember the angst, wondering if this one or that one liked you.  I never went to my junior prom because I couldn't BUY a date.  Seriously.  I had all these female friends who wouldn't go, because we were just friends.  I later learned it would've been somewhat taboo to show up with a black guy (predominantly white school)...ah, that's life, my friend.  Disappointment is part and parcel of the growing up experience...you never get used to it, you never really learn to accept it- but if you're smart, you learn to rise above and beyond it.

This ex of yours wields a certain amount of power over you that she DOES NOT DESERVE.  No woman does, unless she is as much yours as you are hers...and you can only learn that over time.  I don't mean to keep on about age, but by the time I hit 30, I'd been with a lot of women, of all different types, backgrounds, philosophies and races.  I found distinct similarities that simply confounded me- couldn't stand some of it so when I got fed up, I'd walk.  I was a serial monogamist...I'd go from one to the other once boredom set in.  I kept those relationships to less than 6 months...about all the time it took for them to piss me off.  I also discovered that women are women, just like men are men...the key is to find the one who is right for you, and there is one out there.  You may need to be patient.

I sometimes wonder, if I'd met my current wife 20 years ago, if she would've considered me at all...I was a different person, not altogether bad, but definitely more self-centered and less amenable to the desires and needs of others, I was pretty selfish.  Getting married the first time forced me to grow up because all of a sudden I had this 2 year old babygirl and a wife, and soon after, another child on the way...a lot to deal with at 20 when you're hardly an adult yourself.  I've always had to do my lessons at the school of hard knocks because I rarely listened to the advice of my elders (and usually betters)- figuring with typical adolescent arrogance that I knew better than all of them.  I did not.  Not at all.  Of course, my first marriage failed but it taught me a lot about myself, about relationships and how such things should never be taken lightly, but should not cast a dark pall over every other aspect of your life simply because it did not turn out as you wanted it to.  This happens, in all aspects of life...prove yourself resilient and able to adapt and you will succeed- it is our sincere hope that you are able to get out of your funk and back into the swing of life...but only you will determine when and how that happens.   Keep your head up, my young friend- your whole life is ahead of you, the choices you make will resonate throughout that life so choose wisely when you can, and it doesn't hurt to have a little faith...in yourself as well as others.  Be well.

I get the heartache, I get the desire for revenge- I hope that you manage to get past this and move on because I promise you, this time next year, it'll be nothing but a distant memory- provided you're involved w/someone else.  Nothing helps you get over the last girl like a new girl.  Sounds crass, but it is undeniably true.
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Leganoth

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #36 on: 2012-04-05, 18:29:08 »
" Nothing helps you get over the last girl like a new girl."
That is exactly true. I am trying to get a new girlfriend to help me forget, well im looking not exactly trying yet. I want revenge for myself, i couldnt give a sh** less if she says "oh patrick already has a new girlfriend, this that and the other thing" i dont care what she thinks of it or what she thinks of me anymore. I want the revenge to satisfy myself, to know that i got equal, atleast thats how i see it. The best thing i can do is, and i put this bluntly, just dont give a sh**, be happy, get a new girlfriend.

My friends advice (im not so sure if he was joking though) was "dude dont get another girlfriend, just go out and have sex, dont make love, have sex, look where making love got you" . Im not so sure about that advice lol

Sir William

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #37 on: 2012-04-05, 19:04:10 »
Well, I didn't say 'get a gf' I said 'new girl'.  Jumping straight into a relationship will result in the 'rebound'- that is, that new girl becomes the rebound- the trick is to NOT get emotionally tied up- just indulge in the physical release.  It can be catharctic, especially when you realize that some of the feelings you may have had about the ex stem from the sex- it rhymes but is not meant to, nor is it a joke.  Simply put, it'll help take your mind off of your current situation, even if only for a while.  After a longer while, you may even laugh about it.

You will find, once you get past the internal struggle, that partners are plentiful and sometimes it isn't such a bad thing to indulge.  Naturally, in this day and age, you'll need to take the necessary precautions but barring that- have fun.

The saying 'life is too short...' certainly applies here...and you're giving way too much in the way of credence to what this girl will say or think w/regard to your situation.  The saying 'the best revenge is to live well...' is also very applicable here too.  If you really want to hit her where it hurts, you must behave as if she never really existed- because nothing hurts more than to be considered 'not valid', if you get my meaning.  A technique that I have perfected...once I would've said it was unfortunate but now I know better.  It is a bit selfish but it is also expected of teenagers- in every culture and period.  Your friend's advice is appropro for the situation, though you may not have liked how it sounded. 

In any case...look forward, not back- plenty of time to reminisce about the good old days when you get to be my age (39)- when nostalgia tends to gloss over the bad stuff and lend a rosy tint to the good- by then, it'll be ok...its just a memory of experience, one of many.
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Sir James A

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #38 on: 2012-04-05, 19:06:47 »
Yeah, his advice sounds like it's opening the door to more trouble. You want to be over your last girlfriend, before getting another one; it's not fair to bring baggage into the next relationship, and will make it that much harder. Also, consider the source - how's his relationship going? You wouldn't take medical advice from the cashier at McDonald's - don't listen to advice on how to do things from people who aren't qualified to give it.

I went through depression when I was younger too. I don't remember much of it at all, aside from being bullied. In the end, I did what I absolutely recommend *does not* ever get done - I decided 'there can be only one'. I already wore a trench coat, so that was nothing new. What changed is that I took my katana to school. Daily. For about 3 weeks. When I got taunted, I flashed the sword handle and started to draw it. Things stopped. I'm *extremely* lucky that nobody of authority found out. I don't even know what I was thinking at the time, looking back, but at that point in time, it seemed perfectly logical and appropriate.

I dated someone for about 4 years before. I was just in college, and she was still in high school. In the end, I dealt with her lying to me constantly, and almost (or maybe did) cheating on me (and with a woman, too). Oh, and we were engaged when we broke up and I discovered even more of her lies.

The thing I found most helpful at trying to forget and move on is to not be still. I went out with friends. I started tinkering with armor. I started martial arts on my own. I built a computer. I started working with wood. I took an extra class at college (over full time amount). I found the less time I had to think about things, the less I did.

Now, the thing is, you'll probably *never* forget about it all. I still haven't forgot some of my issues. I did, however, learn from them, and remembering them is simply a reminder that things have been much worse before. That's not to say you can't be sad, mad, or bitter - you can, because without feelings, we're just a shell - but don't let it consume you, and don't let it be your normal mood.

Revenge should not be a motive. It will lead you down a darker path, and into more troubles. It will blur your vision (metaphorically speaking), and color your outlook in a negative way.
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Sir Edward

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #39 on: 2012-04-05, 19:52:51 »

The problem with revenge is how do you measure when you've "gotten even"? What's even, fair, or just? You can only judge it from your point of view, and whatever you end up doing, it'll open the door to them retaliating back. These things tend to escalate.

As Sir William mentioned, often the best revenge is to simply live well and move on. When someone is marginalized and later realize they have no lasting impact on you, often that's all the revenge you need. And the icing on the cake is when they realize what they lost, because you've gone on to be happy, and they're still stuck playing adolescent games.
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Sir William

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #40 on: 2012-04-06, 16:02:05 »
Leganoth, if you take nothing else away from all of our advice, take this to heart:  When someone is marginalized and later realize they have no lasting impact on you, often that's all the revenge you need. And the icing on the cake is when they realize what they lost, because you've gone on to be happy, and they're still stuck playing adolescent games.

That was well said, Sir Edward.
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Leganoth

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #41 on: 2012-04-06, 19:50:00 »
Leganoth, if you take nothing else away from all of our advice, take this to heart:  When someone is marginalized and later realize they have no lasting impact on you, often that's all the revenge you need. And the icing on the cake is when they realize what they lost, because you've gone on to be happy, and they're still stuck playing adolescent games.

That was well said, Sir Edward.

Thats true, ill will try to follow the advice

Leganoth

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #42 on: 2012-04-12, 07:40:22 »
went to the renn faire saturday and sunday, saw ALOT of...let me put this appropriately, attractive, girls (lol), some seemed interested in me from what i was noticing, BUT in the end, im gonna put this bluntly, i bitched out and didnt talk to them haha. Any tips on what i could do?

P.S.
will upload/post photos when i go this saturday again
« Last Edit: 2012-04-12, 07:41:12 by Leganoth »

Sir Wolf

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #43 on: 2012-04-12, 12:33:08 »
time to move on and have fun. can't wait for the armoured up pictures!!

SirNathanQ

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Re: Life. (be prepared for reading)
« Reply #44 on: 2012-04-12, 13:04:02 »
So are the pictures of you in armour or of attractive girls?  ???
"The maximum use of force is in no way incompatible with the simultaneous use of the intellect." -Carl Von Clausewitz
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